Waiting Room

For the Better

Any energy Atsushi had left turned into tears, mimicking the river he wished to become part of. Dazai rushed toward him, running faster than he could ever recall. He dropped to his knees in front of Atsushi, holding him through broken sobs and explanations. The words couldn't leave Atsushi's lips, coming out as cries and stutters. He eventually gave up trying, allowing himself to, for once, be vulnerable. Every emotion he had hidden so deeply, every ounce of anguish spilled from his eyes, allowing his heartbreak to have a release. He leaned himself into the embrace, weeping more after each and every "it's okay, it's okay, I'm right here. I know" that Dazai muttered. Minutes had passed until every tear he was able to shed fell down his face, eventually allowing himself to regain pieces of composure. 

"I love you, okay? I love you and I promise I won't leave. I won't leave, okay? You can't leave either." Dazai finally spoke, looking in Atsushi's eyes as a display of honestly.

Atsushi could only get out broken apologies. He couldn't explain all it was for. It was for lying, it was for abandoning everyone he loved, it was for letting it get this far. He could only make out a hoarse "I'm sorry." Though Dazai knew exactly what it was for.

Dazai had tears in his eyes as well, caused from the empathy of knowing all too well. He knew the fear, the agony Atsushi was experiencing. He desperately wished he knew how to rob that pain from him, never allowing the smile to fall from Atsushi's lips. He resolved to give him the comfort he knew was necessary, giving Atsushi the time to collect himself before he could ultimately respond.

"I shouldn't have let it get this far, Dazai. I know I shouldn't have. You would have helped me. You shouldn't have found me like this." Atsushi expressed, barely able to get his voice above a whisper.

"But I found you, right? I found you. It was a gut feeling and I found you. I'm so happy you're okay." Dazai hardly made out, his voice breaking while trying to express his grief and joy. "I need to get you home, sweetheart. I need you to have the energy to talk, okay? We can talk this out."

Dazai carried him home, knowing Atsushi's inability to walk himself. He carried him on his back, sitting him down with tea and rice after they made it through the threshold. It was nostalgic, a comfort Atsushi deprived himself of for months. He finally allowed himself to eat, pushing away any feelings of guilt that crept up from each bite. Dazai waited patiently, giving Atsushi the space to build up his strength. They finally discussed after he was full, now having a clear mind after weeks without it. 

He wanted to begin apologizing again, begging Dazai to forgive him after the hell he allowed into both of their lives. He could tell by Dazai's expression, though, that it was already full of forgiveness, knowing that all he awaited was an explanation. 

"I let it get bad, Dazai. I hardly know how it started. Passing thoughts became more present and I just didn't know what to do." Atsushi eventually began explaining. 

"I just want to know what all happened. In how many ways did you begin hurting yourself?" 

"You already know I wasn't eating. I began to cut myself when I did eat, though. I just felt like I needed to punish myself. I know it wasn't right, it just felt so relieving."

"I know it does."

"You know?"

Dazai began unwrapping his bandages, revealing a plethora of healed scars. Some were more prominent than others, though all were, thankfully, healed.

"I know. I know more than you think." Dazai began explaining. "You know I understand suicide too. It breaks me that you feel the same way." He paused for a moment, letting Atsushi meet his eyes again. "Please let me help you. Can you show me?" 

Atsushi rolled his sleeves up, revealing the wounds he so desperately tried to remain hidden for so long. Some were fresh, indicating the addiction became far more than just punishing himself for eating. It became his release, his comfort. Dazai hugged him once more before making his way to the bathroom, grabbing supplies before he ultimately cleaned and bandaged the cuts. They were silent, though it never became awkward. It was peaceful, sitting together in quiet understanding of each other. When Dazai finished, he grabbed Atsushi's hands, holding them between his. 

"I'm still proud of you, okay? I don't want you to think I could ever be disappointed with you." Dazai finally said, breaking the silence. 

"I shouldn't have let it get this far. I know I shouldn't have, I should have been better."

"You're already enough, even like this. I will love you at your lowest and never think twice about it. I could never love you any differently than I do now."

Atsushi's eyes welled up again at the words, experiencing the warmth of equally returned love. He felt a comfort he hadn't known, a light at the end of the tunnel. 

"I'll be better, I can be better."

"And I will be there always. You can come to me, okay? When it hurts you can come to me."

They embraced again, Atsushi accepting the comfort he had pushed away for months. They remained like this for a moment, giving Atsushi the time to weep once again.

"I love you too, Dazai."