She was pretty. Insecurely, I imagined she was too pretty for me. Although Nina and I hadn't yet explored our connection further, a 13-year-old boy could intuitively see beyond what was unspoken. I felt uncomfortable as I tried to explain the situation to Josh, attempting to make light of his concern. I didn't lie to him about what had happened earlier in his absence, but I couldn't be completely truthful either. Guilt weighed heavily, knowing that the feelings I now held for Nina had long since faded for his mother.
My guilt ran deeper still, tied to a hidden indiscretion—a brief affair with a coworker that had taken place years before. That weekend with Nina elevated our relationship while catapulting Samantha and me toward the inevitable end of ours. It also laid the first few bricks of a wall that would grow between Josh and me. After the divorce, he chose to live solely with his mother—a consequence of my actions that hurt more than I could admit. I would spend years slowly dismantling that wall.
To simply say I didn't love my wife ignores the many reasons that led to our divorce. While that was a major factor, I had lived with that truth for years. My failures as a husband were born from weakness and inaction. Samantha's struggles were more complicated. At some point, I stopped believing the life we wanted was attainable and could no longer resign myself to a future without that possibility. Samantha and I both loved and cared for our children, but we also used them as a buffer to avoid confronting the growing emptiness in our relationship—a reality that had been slowly revealing itself since early in our marriage. It was one of the reasons we delayed having children for as long as we did.
Thirteen years earlier, soon after Josh was born, we decided to separate. We is a euphemism; I was the driving force behind that decision. At the time, I told myself the separation was to give me space to figure out what I wanted. While that was partly true, it doesn't tell the whole story. The truth is, during those months apart, I started an affair with a coworker—something I never fully disclosed to Samantha after we reunited. The affair ended quickly, but the regret lingered.
YOU ARE READING
NAVEL GAZING: excessive absorption in self-analysis or focus on a single issue
Sachbücher-A Lie I decided to focus on family, choosing to believe and have faith that everything else would fall into place. I wasn't comfortable-or good-at lying to her. So, when Samantha surprised me one day by swallowing her pride and asking directly if a...
