A KINGDOM OF DEAD HEARTS [COMPLETED]

CHAPTER 48: UNWRITTEN FUTURE

Airin took a deep breath, mentally preparing herself for something she knew had to be said, had to be put out there for Xander to know. Maybe this would deter him.

"I have had ... relations ... with men. I have thrown myself at their feet, begging to be loved, doing all that they wanted to me to do just to pick up bits and pieces of signs that they loved me back. I was trying to find out what love was. Four, five, six times. I do not know anymore. They were all bad. I failed everytime." She was shocked at how calm she sounded. "I had grown up in a home where my parents had the most bitter marriage you could ever imagine could happen to two people. Listen, Xander. I do not even know if I can trust my feeling about love anymore. I do not know. I only know one thing ..." she took another deep breath. "I know I do not want to hurt you."

"And ... there was this man ... Sean ..." what followed was a thorough story of her one night with Sean. It was weird to tell the story of such a shameful night for her without even batting an eyelid for it. She realized she had taken the plunge and told Xander all. She wanted to deter him, right?

When she was done, she searched Xander's eyes for signs that she had deterred him with her revelations.

He was not deterred.

His gaze was as serene as ever to her. "You told me not to let my heart forget my hope. Hope is for something that is still to come, isn't it? And we do not know what is still to come."

Airin nodded weakly.

"The future is unwritten for you and for me, Airin. I have my past, my dark past, the wounds have stayed with me and you have helped me start healing. You have your past ..." Xander paused, breathed slower, and continued,"Who to say two wounded people cannot have one future of happiness together, a future still unwritten?"

The question was so strange for Airin because it had an answer that her heart agreed to: Yes, Xander, yes, the future is unwritten, and we can have a future of happiness together. We can.

But she could not will her mind to also agree to it. She had become a master at secondguessing herself, at sabotaging her own possibility at happiness because she was so scared of being disappointed again. To temper her hope, to stay still, to not wish for happiness was better than to actually pursue a chance at happiness, because then she did not get hurt if it failed.

The sky had turned to orange, purple, reddish hues. The sun had almost set. The orbs of lights that swam underwater seemed so much brighter now. For a moment, Airin just stared at the orbs and the waterfall. They were beautiful, so beautiful.

"I guess ... I need time, Xander, to answer your question, to answer if it is possible for us to happen, for you to be in my life."

Xander nodded, looked at Airin, and smiled. "Then have all the time you need, Airin."

"I will go back to my universe. I will put my life back on track there, and I will think of the answer."

Xander nodded again. "I will come to you to find out the answer."

This time Airin lit up. "That would be very nice. Yes."

"When is your birthday, Airin?"

"The beginning of summer. 21 June."

"I will ask Elisthia to use her sorcery and knowledge of the stars to count the time difference between Halgard and your universe. I will come to you then. Is that alright?"

Airin smiled and nodded. She struggled not to go ahead and hug the guy in front of her whose smile was always so shy, so sheepish. Why does he have to look so handsome? she sighed to herself.