How to take care of a newborn baby?
That was one of the first things I searched for about five years ago, after holding Yorley in my arms for the second time, just like I now hold his sleeping form.
As Yoyo stirred in his sleep, his curls moved in a way that gave me a clear view of his peaceful face and characteristic wrinkled nose during deep sleep.
It's Sunday afternoon and we had eaten lunch about 40 minutes ago. We were just in our pajamas watching TV, one of our favorite lazy day rituals. But not even 20 minutes into the cartoon, Yoyo fell asleep, so I switched to a random movie.
I was absentmindedly watching the movie, when a flashback scene of the main character experiencing childbirth triggered a memory I had long fight to keep repressed.
I closed my eyes and shook my head to rid myself of the memories of that day, but they came pouring down at me like a tropical storm.
FLASHBACK
📍 New Zealand, 9 months after Iseph's wedding
"What do you mean there was a complication?!" My emotionally charged question broke the silence.
"She was bleeding heavily, we did everything we could to control it, but it was too late." Doctor Han paused for a few seconds, as if she was allowing me to process what she said. "I'm so sorry for your loss, Ms. Nowa."
Emptiness, sadness, hopelessness, numbness and shock. Those were the only emotions I was capable to feel from the moment she broke the news to me.
I still have the daunting task of breaking the news to my family back home. The realization finally hit my murky, grief-stricken mind.
The kind elderly woman reached out her hand to squeeze mine, probably trying to help me cope with the situation, but it only led to a sense of unreality and detachment.
"I just- she was- but-" I tried to speak through my sudden heavy breathing, but I ended up turning into a hiccuping mess.
As my body gave up, I slumped down on a soft green chair in the small beige meeting room, and continued to listen to the distant and distorted voice of Doctor Han play like the soundtrack to one of the worst moments of my life.
How the world turns! Within six hours, I went from crying tears of joy for the birth of my nephew, to shedding bitter, salty tears of sorrow.
"The baby..." I whispered. "I want to see him." Rang out my faltering voice.
"Please, follow me." Doctor Han said and began our walk through the maternity ward.
On our way, we passed many rooms and corridors of the care unit that seemed to be full of stories of loss and life.
Muffled voices, sounds and cries made by laboring woman. The light gray linoleum floor and beige wall corridor led us onwards past all these sounds, until we reached a door edged in a color that matched the floor.
"It's here." Doctor Han said, pointing at a doorway before entering.
Once inside the innocuous, medicinal scented room, a young blonde nurse placed for the first time the wailing 5 pounds 8 ounces baby she had been trying to put to sleep in my arms. And just like that, a tingling sensation engulfed me from head to toe, like greedy, wild flames do until they burn a house to the ground.
It's been about three seconds, and all I can say is that an almost overwhelming love and sense of well-being took captive every cell in my body. I guess we both experienced it so deeply and strongly that both my lack of emotional response and his cries ceased.
YOU ARE READING
Azyria
General Fiction"I can't do this anymore... I just can't." I whispered to myself. "Can you please tell me what happened?" I heard him say before completely zoning out. My heart was racing, my palms were sweating, my ears were ringing and my eyes were burning and mi...
