Dear Harry (Larry Stylinson)

Harry

Dear Lou,

Its been about an hour since I wrote the last letter and for some reason I'm finding myself to write another. 

I fucking miss you. 

You were around everyday to make me smile and I took it for granted. I always looked forward to when the band would split but I never thought about the day where I couldn't talk to you, anymore. You were my sun on a cloudy day, boo-bear.

I'm so sorry. Everyday is another battle I have to fight Lou, and it's all because you're gone. You're fucking gone. Gone. Gone. GONE. 

Forever.

FUCK. 

How could you fucking do this to me, Louis? HOW. 

I needed you; fuck, I still need you and you're gone. You're fucking gone and I can't do anything to fix it. I don't know if I can do this, Louis. I miss you so much and everyday it hurts more and more. I promised myself I would try to move on and in all honestly, I don't want to. I don't even want to try to move on because I don't want to forget you. I don't want to miss you, Lou. I want you, here, with me.

You're more than my best friend; You're the love of my life. But now you're gone and I can't even tell you how much love I have had for you from afar.

The only reason I am even writing this letter is because it makes me feel whole again. I feel like you took a piece of my soul with you when you died. I have zero emotion towards anything anymore and I hate myself for it.

I don't want to be like this, Louis. I don't want to be a monster, anymore.

I want to smile and be myself again but I just can't. I let you die. How could I let you down like that?

I try to be strong for the boys but I usually find them to be strong for me. I broke down on stage yesterday which only caused the Larry rumors to worsen. I don't know how much longer the band is going to continue without you, Lou. Our songs seem to be missing something and the aroma on stage isn't the same whatsoever. Management is trying to make me deny my feelings about this situation. They want to act like I've recovered, like I've forgotten, but I don't want to fucking forget. How could I forget the boy who made my heart skip a beat and stop all together? The boy that showed me that I didn't have to stay inside the box and conform to what society wants me to be?

I've considered suicide but that makes me so fucking confused on everything. I want to live and make amazing memories with the loved ones I have left; but I also don't want to continue without you. The boys keep telling me that there's other fish in the sea but fuck. You were my sea. 

I miss you so fucking much and I honestly don't care how many times I write it in this letter. 

I miss you.

I miss the way you bit your lip when you were anxious or the way your eyes would sparkle when I shot a smile in your direction. The thought actually angers me now that I think about it.

How could I have been so fucking blind, Lou? You were right in front of me, hurting, for three fucking years, and I just...ignored it.I ignored you. 

I fucking ignored you.....

How could I have done that? How could I not see that you needed me?

That I needed you?

Please, lou....just please. Come back. 

I love you, Louis. So much, it hurts. 

Harry