Dear Harry (Larry Stylinson)

Dear Harry

February 4th, 2013

Dear Harry,

If you're reading this then it means that my attempt of leaving this earth was a success.

I made sure to put the date on this letter so you could find out exactly how long my body has been sitting here. I'm not really sure what I want to say but I knew I couldn't just leave you without a goodbye. So...here it goes.

Whenever I'm with you my heart races and I feel like a completely different person around, Harry. I could never get over your loose brown curls or your green eyes no matter how hard I tried to; I remember going to sleep at night and not being able to get those eyes off my mind. The color of emerald was all I could think of as I tossed and turned in the sheets.

I loved the way they would light up whenever you laughed or the way they darkened whenever something you cared about was in jeopardy. Every emotion that ran through those eyes were powerful enough to hook me in and I just couldn't get them off of my mind.

I guess you could say it was love, but what is love, exactly? If love is caring about somebody so much that your whole body aches whenever you see them with somebody else then yes. I am in love with you.

If love is the way you can't stop thinking about somebody until you're with them then yes, Harry, I am in love with you.

If love is when you picture yourself with nobody besides that one person then YES, Harry, I am in love with you.

I'm fucking in love with you and it's one of the leading factors to why i'm writing this letter...

I've just tried hiding my feelings for the sake of the band and for sake of our friendship but I'm just not sure if I can hide those feelings away anymore, Harry. You have no idea how much it hurts me when you deny our feelings to anybody else because all it does is make me feel like i'm not good enough for you. When all I want is to be enough for you.

I've tried getting over this feeling and I've tried having other relationships but I just can't do it. No matter how hard I try to love the color of chocolate, I just can't because I'm addicted to pistachio.

Sometimes I feel like I've made this entire relationship up in my mind but I like to believe that I haven't. Maybe I did mistake those accidental hand strokes as an attempt to hold my hand or maybe I did mistake those accidental bumps as an attempt to get close to me.

Maybe I did mistake those dates as an attempt to make me jealous or maybe I did make up this entire relationship in my head.

I still remember the first time I ever met you. We were in the bathroom during boot camp and you were washing your hands. I came in to use the toilet when I laid first eyes on you by the sink. I remember seeing your reflection in the mirror and not being able to look away. I wasn't quite sure what it was that stood out to me but I couldn't seem to look away.

Between your loose curls and soft features I was hooked. I knew there was something about you that I liked but I wasn't quite sure what it was exactly because I had never felt this way about another man before. All I knew was that I had this weird feeling for you and I just wasn't quite sure what to call it yet. Maybe it was a crush or maybe it was just jealousy. It was so long ago I don't even know what to call it anymore but all I know now is that I'm glad that I had to use the restroom that day; Because if I hadn't then I would have never grown this huge bond with you like I have now.

I'm not doing this to cause you or anybody pain. I'm doing this because I'm weak. I can't handle anymore of the hate or rumors, or heartbreak from you or anybody else from this point on. I've tried ignoring it because I couldn't imagine living in a world without you but what's the point if I don't even get to have you?