Dear Harry (Larry Stylinson)

Sincerely, Liam.

This chapter is dedicated to my Grandmother. I may not believe in god, or heven but I know you always did so I would just like to say that wherever you are...I hope you're happy. You have no idea what your death has caused our family, and you've been gone for less than twenty-four hours. I love you, Grandma, and maybe I’ll see you again one day.

RIP 6/10/13

Dear Louis,

Damn...all I had to do was write down your name, and i'm already breaking down inside. I guess when you lose somebody you truly love, and care about every single thing tears you down. The other day I found myself sobbing over the smell of lavender because that was your scent. Yours. Not Niall's, not Harry's...yours. Yes, I do know and remember your smell. Why? Because that's what you do when you care about somebody. You remember every single detail of their life, no matter how weird or annoying it may be.

Fuck, I miss you Louis. I just haven't been myself since your death, and i'm changing more and more everyday. I barely eat, I barely speak, and when I do speak all I do is take my anger out on everybody else because I don't want them to see how truly hurt I am inside. I'm suppose to be the strong one in the band. Hell, i'm daddy direction. I can't be breaking down in the middle of eating breakfast because it'll only hurt the boys even more.

Shit, I had a purpose of writing this but my thoughts are so jumbled up that I can't think straight right now. All I can ever think about was that morning I found you. Fuck, why would you do that to me? You have no idea how much it killed me inside finding your lifeless body just laying there on the bed. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it because it was so fucking hard on me. I remember screaming your name over, and over again. I shouted until my voice gave out, and yet you still didn't respond. I remember clinging onto your body, sobbing loudly into your chest. You were so cold, when you're usually warm. Fuck, at that moment you weren't boobear anymore, and even that goofy kid I met at the Xfactor three years ago. You were Louis Tomlinson. The oldest member of One Direction, who hid his feelings. The one nobody noticed was truly hurting inside until he took his own life. The one that never said goodbye. The one that left us nothing but a letter Harry won't even let us read.

Fuck, Louis. Do you have any idea how painful it is knowing that Harry has some sort of advantage over us? That you'd rather spend your last few moments of life writing him a letter, than any of us? I thought we had a stronger friendship, a strong bond than that...but I guess not. Hell, do you have any idea how it makes me feeling knowing that? It makes me feel that maybe I drove you to suicide. That the only reason you wrote Harry a letter, and not me is because he never hurt you the way I did. I'm sorry if I hurt you Lou. I didn't mean any of it, and you have no idea what I’d do to take it back. I know it doesn't matter, or has no meaning anymore but I take it all back. I take everything back. I take back those days I’d make fun of your childhood nickname boobear with the guys. I take back the days I snapped your suspenders. I take back those days I rejected your request to hang out so I could spend time with Dani. Fuck, I take back every fucking thing, alright?

God, i'm sorry. I'm sorry for being a horrible friend, and not caring enough. I'm sorry for not realizing how shitty of a friend I am until now. Maybe if I would have been a little nicer to you when you were around you'd still be here today.

Christ, I also want to apologize for my shitty writing. Like I explained before, I began to break down at the little of things anymore. Just writing this letter makes me want to roll up into a ball, and just die. Fuck, I shouldn't have said that. I don't want to die, I just...i don't know anymore. A part of me wants to die, but a part of me knows that I can't just give up. I have a family to take care of now, and i'm not talking about my mum or even my sisters. I'm talking about the boys. They've been so heartbroken, and quiet since your death and it only worries me more. Niall barely eats anymore. Zayn never speaks, and Harry...fuck I don't even know. He's been so heartbroken, and strange since you've passed. He refuses to let anybody touch anything that once belonged to you. He has even put your bedroom pillows in giant zip lock bag so they don't lose your scent...but I don't blame him. We've all done some crazy, and strange shit since you've left. If you couldn't already tell, your death brought out my dark side. All I’ve done in this letter is cuss, but I don't really give a damn. Nobody is going to read it anyways.

Damn, I miss you. I miss you so damn much that every time I see a rocket ship, or anything my heart breaks. We already did talk about going to space, but now we never will. Yeah, I know it was just something we joked about but it still hurts. It was one of those memories that I’ll always remember, and it'll kill me more each day.

Who knows? I might go to the moon one day, but it won't be the same without my buddy Lou because nothing is the same without you. Your death has impacted my whole life, and I don't think you even understand. You hurt me so badly that I had to throw out every stripe shirt I owned because it reminded me of your too much. It kills me knowing that we never really had that many memorable moments together. Sure we have the numerous concerts, and interviews but it isn't the same. Niall spend many days with you, talking about many different things while I sat there reading. Zayn gave you tips on how to fix your hair while I made myself lunch. Harry spent about everyday with you, while I spent my days with Dani.

Fuck, I miss her. I thought I was finally over our breakup, but your death made me remember how much I truly loved her. I wish we would have never broken up, but with the numerous gigs management signed us up for we never really had time to be a real couple.

But I blame myself. I could have easily denied management, and spent time with her. Sadly, I didn't. Now she's gone, just when I need her the most. I have nobody to talk to besides myself because nobody truly understands. Everyone of us is taking this tragedy differently, so I can't really tell you who's taking it the worst. All I know is that everybody is hurting, and it kills me knowing that there’s nothing I could do to heal them. That I can't even make them smile anymore.

Hell, I don't even remembered the last time I smiled. I mean, I’ve tried numerous times but I only end up in tears once again. Yesterday I took a trip to our place. The place that we went to when we were upset, or needed alone time.

I noticed that you've spent quite some time there considering that there's now pieces of your clothing, a blanket, and numerous trash wrappers.

Damn, I was in there for about a minute before I starting breaking down. It was the one place I could finally just let out my feelings, and show the world how broken I truly was. I didn't care if anybody saw me, or if anybody heard me. It was our spot, and if they had a problem with it then they can go fuck themselves. They didn't just lose a brother, I did. They didn't have to suffer from the pain of finding the body, I did. They didn't have to watch one of their best friends being pull out in a black bag. I did.

They don't have to just sit there, and watch their friends slowly break more each day. I do.

Fuck, why me? Why did this have to happen to me? Why did I have to lose a brother, and then have to find the body? Seriously, what did I do wrong? I got good grades in school, and hardly cursed. I never drank, I never smoked...I never broke the law either, so what the fuck did I do that was so bad? Seriously Louis...what did I do that was so bad that I deserve this pain?

Please, just...give me an answer. I miss you so much, and I just want some answers. Answers like why you did it. Why you only wrote Harry a letter. Why you didn't say anything to anybody. Why you left without goodbye. Why....just, why? Why, Louis? Please, just...tell me. Somehow, give me a sign or something. Tell me why.

Please.

Fuck, i'm sorry. I'm sorry for the tear stained paper, and i'm sorry for my shit writing. The pain is just a little to hard to handle sometimes, and I guess this is one of those times. That's what happens when you lose a loved one.

Well, I should probably wrap this up about now. The boys are waking up soon, and I don't want them to find me breaking down like this. Besides, I still need some time to visit our spot once again. That's where this letter will be, and hopefully you'll visit it somehow to read it. Nobody knows about our spot, so nobody will find out how heartbroken I truly am.

I miss, and love you Louis. Please, give me a sign or something. Somehow, tell me you're alright. Tell me why you did what you did, please. Please, tell me. Just...figure out a way to explain. Please.

Sincerely,

Liam.