Dear Harry (Larry Stylinson)

With Love, Zayn x

Dear Louis,

You have no idea how painful it is writing this, or even thinking about writing it. I've started so this letter so many times, but they always end us wadded up in a ball of paper. I have no idea but it seems like no matter how hard I try I just can't seem to get the right words down on paper. You have no idea how much your suicide affected my personality, and attitude towards the boys or towards anybody really. I remember how I used be the quiet one in the band. Hell, if you could even call it a band anymore.

None of us has shown up for a rehearsal since your death, and it's only pissing off management more, and more everyday. They've threaten to rip up our contracts, and sign a new band but I don't think any of us really care anymore because honestly...it's not One Direction without you. They've tried convincing us to sing again. They've tried convincing us to show up for the new album recordings, but nobody ever does. They actually tried to replace your solos with one of us, thinking it would make up for the lost artist.

You have no idea how mad each of us were when we heard about it. Especially Harry.

He's been taking your death really hard, and I worry more and more about him each day. He's the only one out of all of us who doesn't even bother hiding his emotions. The other day he fell to his knees, and staring sobbing on the floor because Moments came on in a Starbucks one morning. He was crying for a few reasons actually. Mainly because of your solo. You have no idea how heartbreaking, and painful it is listening to your solos whenever they come on the radio.

The other reason Harry started crying because of the song itself. That song was written about how a guy loses a loved one, and kills himself over the pain of her being away from him which worries me. I honestly think that the lyrics are going to come to life once again, and Harry is going to take his own life away just to be with you once again.

God, i'm sorry if this letter is all over the place. I just can't seem to focus because when i'm in the middle of writing down one thought, another comes to mind. There's so much I want to tell you, and you have no idea what I'd give just to see you again. I miss you so much, Louis. It seems like everything reminds me of you, which only kills me more. I actually looked a picture of a ghost yesterday, and began to tear up because it reminded me of your childhood nickname, Boobear.

Ha, I remember how much you hated whenever we call you that. You'd get so angry, and wouldn't stop blushing until Harry settled the chaos. Fuck, I miss that. I miss our moments together. I miss picking on you for stupid things you used to do. I miss how you used to brag about how you had the biggest biceps out of the group. I miss how you used to spend more time in the bathroom than Niall did eating. Fuck, I miss everything about you because everything is just so fucking memorable. Starting with the occasional Grey beanie you used to wear, all the way down to your toms.

Fuck, I still can't get over the fact that you're just gone. That you just left without a goodbye or anything. That you left me with nothing but a "see you tomorrow" as something to remember you by. Fuck, why would you do that Lou? Why would you tell me that I was going to see you tomorrow when you knew I wasn't? Why would you leave without even a fucking goodbye? Why would you be so goddamn selfish, and do this to me? Me? What have I done that was so bad you had to do the worse thing I could possibly think of and just leave me forever? Without anything to remember you by except for two albums that I can't even listen to without breaking down.

God, i'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry about everything. I'm sorry I didn't realize the signs sooner, and now that i look back on our lives I finally realize how unhappy you really were. That every time I told you that your outfit was stupid, how much it truly hurt you. That every time somebody picked on you, all I did was sit there. That every time somebody made a stupid bromance joke that all I did was laugh. I'm so sorry. So fucking sorry for hurting you, and so fucking sorry about being the shittiest friend on the planet. I don't blame you for not wanting to live on this earth with me anymore. If I were you, I wouldn't want to either. I'm a horrible person, and an even shittier friend. Fuck, i'm probably the worst boyfriend as well. Perrie has done nothing by try to cheer me up, and comfort me but all I've done is blow her off. I know it hurts her feelings too, and all I do is ignored her like I don't even care about her when really...she's all I have now. I don't my parents because they moved away. I don't have the band because it's kind of fallen apart without you. I don't have Harry because he's so heartbroken over your death that he doesn't even speak. I don't have Niall because all he's done lately is visit your grave, singing you songs he has written about you. I don't have Liam because all he does is sit in his room all day sobbing to himself due to the fact that he found your lifeless body laying on the bed pale white, and ice cold.

Perrie is all I have now, and I've done nothing but treat her like shit.

God, I don't deserve a girl like her. She's perfect in every way, and I've been the worse boyfriend to her. She's been nothing just supportive of my feelings ever since we found your body about a month ago. She's attempted to take me out to get my mind off things numerous times, but I refuse. She's tried talking to me in attempt to clear my head, but I just sit there. She's tried getting me to sing to her like I used to, but all I do is call her heartless because she knows how painful it is for me to sing anymore.

You leaving me changed my entire life completely, and i'm not sure if I'll ever fully recover from his heartbreak. The only thing I am sure of is that I miss you. I miss you so much that I've found myself sitting on my own bed with a bottle of pills in my hand. Maybe one day I'll go through with it, and Liam could find my own body laying on the bed lifeless just like he did with yours.

Fuck, you couldn't even imagine Liam's expression when he found you without crying your eyes out. He originally came into your room to announce the terrific news of our new perfume, when he found you laying on the bed. At first he just thought you were sleeping, but you could hear the tears and heartbreak in his voice as he called out your name. He just kept calling, and calling it refusing to stop until you finally answered but you never did. All you did was just lay there without taking a breath, or moving an inch.

Eventually liam's voice just gave out, and he found himself sobbing on the cold floor. I think for a brief moment he forgot how to move his body because all he did was cry. He didn't move, he didn't speak. He just let the tears slid down his face until he finally grew up enough strength to call out my name. Fuck...could you imagine my expression when I saw you? Well, you can't because I didn't have one. I just stood there like a statue until I finally remember how to walk, and pulled myself into my room where I threw up my breakfast. At first I thought it was some sick joke but realized it wasn't as soon as I heard Harry's screams from outside my bedroom door. He cried out for you; boobear, boobear, please answer me boobear...but you gave him no answer. That's when I literally heard my entire heart shatter, and saw the darkness surround me as I passed out from the shock. I just couldn't believe that my old buddy Louis wasn't coming around again.

Shit, i'm sorry for my shitty handwriting. The pain from writing this letter is a bit extreme, which makes me wonder why and the hell I was writing this in the first place. Nobody was going to read it besides myself, so what was the point of breaking my heart all over again as I write down my emotions on paper? The only reason i'm doing this is because I saw Niall writing one a couple of nights ago, and thought it would clear my head for while. I guess you could say i'm a follower.

Hell, Louis...you have no idea what I'd do just to hear you laugh again. Niall's laugh makes my day ten times better when I hear it, but yours makes it one-hundred times better. I still can't believe it took me this long to realize how special you truly were to me, Louis. It kills me inside knowing that I never got to say these things to you, and now I never will.

Fuck, I miss you. I miss my older brother Louis that used to cook in his underwear every morning. I miss how sassy you were whenever somebody tried telling you off. I miss how you used to wear a beanie whenever you didn't have enough time to do your hair perfectly. I miss how you used wrap my birthday presents in printed photos of myself because you knew how vain I was. I miss your extremely funny, but extremely cheesy jokes you used to share at parties. I miss you, Louis. So much that I've even considered taking my own life, just to see you again.

I love you, Louis. You're were like my older brother, but now you're gone. Who am I going to look up to whenever i'm down? Who am I going to ask for advice whenever I get into a fight with Perrie? Who am I going to play video games with when i'm bored?

What am I suppose to do without you now that you're just....gone. That you're gone, and never coming back.

What am I suppose to do? Please, just...tell me what i'm suppose to do. Tell me how to get over the pain of being away from you. Tell me how to smile again.

Tell me how to forget. I want to forget. I want so badly to just forget you, and move on with my life but I just...can't.

Please, tell me how to be as strong as you were the past three years we've spent together. Please just give me a pinch of your strength so maybe, just maybe I'll be as strong as you one day.

With love,

Zayn. x