The seconds go by, ticking away
Letting me know that it will all be over soon
I hold on to the faith that I won't survive this whether I want to or not,
Whether I have to or not
So I keep up the struggle
Trying, pushing
Crying, praying
Hoping that I won't fall
Praying that my limbs don't break under the weight of the load
That load which has been put upon me by me
Why did I do it?
Why did I not wait?
Why did I stop?
Why did I run?
Why did I leave?
What will I gain?
Will the guilt ever go away?
Will the pain ever stop?
Will the tears ever cease?
Will I ever feel human?
I ask these questions
Knowing the answers even before I voice the questions
I know what I am
I know who I was
I am a monster
Heartless
Guiltless
Painless
Lifeless
Empty
Monster
I will never again see the sun
I will never again taste the joy of water
Or spice
Or oil
Nothing will ever make sense
Nothing will ever be good
I will always hope that I can redeem myself
That I can stop the voices
That put me in agony because I refuse to feel their pain
I am not able
I put them there, but I am not able to undo
So I wait
For judgment
For retribution
For pain
For hell
