Mended

Five

Severus had meant to die, was ready for it. He had made awful mistakes in life; mistakes that he was ready to pay for.

He knew he was not dead; the pain was far too intense. It was all consuming, mind numbing, and relentless. There were voices surrounding him at all times, yet, he could not make out the words, could not focus on who the voices belonged to. Hands were holding his, stroking the hair from his face. Soft hands; gentle hands.

Severus thought of Lily, wondered if she could possibly forgive him. He thought of his mother, how he wanted to see her face once more. Most of all, he thought of her. His love, his soul-mate. The fear and sorrow on her face as he turned his head in that shack and saw her eyes; it flashed through his mind constantly.

He could not be sure how long he lie there, unable to cry out in pain, unable to move to escape it. The moments when the pain finally relented were bittersweet and short lived.

More! More! Whatever you are giving me, give me more! 

He wanted to shout, but he could not. Silently he suffered, locked inside his own body.

Until one day, the weight began to lift. He could feel his fingers, someone was holding his hand again. He had control of his neck, and then another finger, then another, and before long, he could bend his knee. His eyes still could not or would not open. Then, the pain increased, and he found that he was screaming.

He was useless now. Unable to see, fingers that would not work, wobbly legs, and a weak stomach. Still though, she was there the entire time. She never left him, never let that sweet smile fade from her lips. He couldn't stop staring at her, didn't want to. She is tired, he can tell. How long has she been here? Has she slept, eaten anything at all? No, he doubted she had left his side for even a moment. She is a gentle soul destined to only care for others. It is her greatest feature, the one that caused him to fall in love with her. But it would also be her demise, for she did not know when to stop.

Finally, he is home, and she is beautiful. Oh, so very beautiful. Severus wanted to take her hand in his, hold her and never let go. But those god forsaken hands had blood on them, and even if he could get them to work, she did not need to be further tainted by them.

He was supposed to die.

He prepared for it.

He ran towards it.

He welcomed it with open arms.

Now, she is telling him that she is carrying his child, and something inside of him snaps. He hates himself for ruining her. Hates himself for destroying her life, her future. If only he never fell in love with her, never kept going to her night after night like she were a dog in heat!

She is too good, too perfect, too beautiful. He is broken, vile, tainted. The child will be a stain upon her life, will hold her back. This child will be her scarlet letter. He breaks, Tobias seeps from his veins as he throws the book in his lap across the room. He must flee, must get as far away from her as possible should the Snape Curse fully erupt from his being. He paces the garden, in his mind, he screams for his mother, because his voice won't work, and she is still, long dead.

Protect her, mum. Please. Look after her, don't let me become him.

I need you, mummy. She needs you.

She is under the ground, just below his feet. He couldn't protect her, couldn't save her from her own hand.

Suicide, he finally learned from Kingsley Shacklebolt. It had been his fault, and now it was stamped into his mind forever. A double dose of Drought of Living Dead, washed down with Moonseed Poison. She was long dead before Tobias even sobered up. It had been the Ministry who found her curled up in the kitchen floor after her Life Light dyed out, the mug she used to gulp the poisons still gripped in her hand.