the aftermath // iots

Heartache

They made it out, but at what cost? Duncan hasn't left his room for 5 days, he couldn't, he and Courtney were in charge and they practically let them all die, he let them all die. It was all his fault, he was just as bad as the murderer, or atleast that's how he felt. Whenever he looked in the mirror he thought if Justin, when he showered he thought of Noah, when he heard music he thought of Courtney, when he went in the kitchen to eat he thought of Owen, when he saw nature he thought of DJ, and Sadie. When he thought anything, the victims popped up in his mind, including the survivors. He thought of what Cody said to him.

"Its all you're fault Noah is gone! It's all your fault! You're just as bad as the fucking killer! I hate you!"

Those words ran through his mind, he couldn't even watch TV to get his mind off it because it reminded him of Harold, he couldn't look at knives the same because multiple people got killed by his knives. He is tired but not the sleepy kind, he is tired of waking up, tired of moving around, he just wants to disappear. His mother put him in therapy but he lashed out on his therapist.

"How...how will you help me? Have you ever witnessed multiple people die? Were you on that island? Was any of it your fault?! You will never understand how I feel I don't want you're shitty advice! You dont get it! You will never get it! You will never understand!"

Duncan had no one, sure, he has his younger sister and older brother. But can he really vent to them? Everyone left him, he has apologized to Cody on multiple different accounts and Cody had blocked him on all of them. Gwen was disappointed in him, Leshawna didn't want anything to do with him, Katie is exhausted, she wouldn't wanna talk to him even if she wasn't, Izzy hates him, Eva is disgusted by him. The only person who understood was Courtney, and she is gone, he loved her, he can geniuenly say he loved her, he still loves her. But she is gone, what can he do? Nothing, he can't do a damn thing. He looked at his walls, all he could see was Courtney's dead body.
Then he heard something.
His stomach growled.
He opened his room door and walked out, he saw his younger sister Stephanie playing with dolls listening to music.
But the song reminded him of Courtney.
Now he was back at the scene where he saw it all.
Begging Courtney to wake up.
Putting his hands on her cold face.
The smell of blood, of death circulating around him.
The warm tears falling down his face.
Crying so much he needed to put ice on his face to help with the swelling.
Crying so much he couldn't breathe, he couldn't sleep, and he couldn't eat.
Falling down on his knees so hard that their bruised.
"Courtney..." He mumbled out.
He wasn't hungry anymore, he just wanted Courtney. He let her down, it's all his fault.
"I'm sorry..I'm so sorry... ill... I'll do better...I promise just..come back." He started off low but his voice got higher, He wanted Courtney back, why cant he have her back? Now he is crying on the ground. Calling out to someone who will never come back. He felt a hand touch his shoulder, he looked over and it was his sister. Then he remembered, he was going in the kitchen for food. What is happening to him?
"Duncan? Do you wanna talk about it?" Stephanie asked, the thought of telling his 14 year old sister his business when he is a literal 16 year old made him disappointed in himself, he is older than her, he should be here for her not her being here for him. He got up off the ground.
"I don't, dont worry about me." He said, a dull emotionless expression with words that carried no conformation. He walked but up his stairs to his room, robotically, like he wasnt in his body at all. He has been getting these scary thoughts, Cut yourself. Harm yourself Duncan. You deserve it. You're the fucking worse. Kill yourself, do the world a favor and die.

He had been trying to get these thoughts out of his head, but they keep coming back stronger. He opened his room door and closed it gently behind him. He went searching through his room, until he found a knife. The same knife that killed Justin. He placed the knife on his arm. He began cutting, the knife ran across his pale skin, slicing through him. Blood spreading, skin reddening, burning. He kept cutting, uneven cuts, messy cuts, he just wanted to feel something other than exhaustion, the pain was welcomed. He deserved it, he felt he deserved it. He started cutting his other arm, just as messy if not even messier. It hurt, but he didnt care now did he? Still crying, in his on blood, from cutting, he felt so ashamed, he hated himself.
"Courtney I'm sorry."
He knew he was talking to himself, but he didnt really care.
"I'll do everything you couldn't, I promise, you said you wanted to be a lawyer right? You hated my dyed hair so I'll change it back to black."
He could barely even get those words out, the all sounded like gibberish but he kept talking.

"I'll... I'll make sure of it, okay princess?"

His lungs hurt from all the crying, his body was aching from not caring for it properly, he dug his nails into his arms, pericing the skin and bleeding even more.

"I'm so sorry I comment protect you."

More tears ran down his face, they wouldnt stop coming, he got up and sat back down on his bed, curled up in a ball trying to find warmth he'll never get.

When he woke up the next morning it was hard to open his eyes. He got a notification, from Gwen, everyone wanted to met up, he left her on seen. He got up and actually took a long needed shower, brushed his teeth and put on a sweater with a pair of black baggy jeans. He left his house for the first time in 6 days. The light from the sun blinded him and he covered his eyes. His body was still aching, he could barely walk. But he still walked, ge went to the location Gwen told him to. He arrived to the cafe, and he saw everyone sitting. Including Cody. And it hurts it geniuenly hurt him to see all of them, especially to see Cody.

Memories of what happened that day, flooding his mind, he felt shitty.

"Are you going to stand there and look stupid or are you going to sit down?"
Izzy said coldly. It stung Duncan, what was the point of even coming? He wanted to run and hide, but he sat down.
Gwen sighed.
"I know...Everyone is hurting but..we- We need each other right now, okay?"

"I doubt Duncan's hurting." Cody mumbled. For some reason it snapped something in Duncan, he felt the heat rising in his face, he stood up and slammed his chair. Everyone was starring at him now.

"Not hurting? Not hurting? Cody I fucking apologized to you, not because I felt pity but because it was all my fault, I've let you all treat me like shit because I deserve it, I even lost Courtney, I fucking...we promised..to make it out but she's gone. Everything hurts, this is the first time I've left my house in six days and you're all just being assholes like I didnt experience the same shit as you guys. Just go back to ignoring me, it was better that way, hate me, I dont care anymore. I'm only still here to do everything Courtney couldn't." He was crying, in public. The last time Gwen saw his cry like this was when he found Courtney's body. He broke down and covered his face. He wiped his tears.
"I'm leaving." He started walking away, he was loosing his mind, he couldn't even sleep without seeing everyone who has died. He was hurt but no one will notice how bad he was hurting until he committed suicide. Why?

Because he was Duncan Tarun after all.

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1417 words!
omg how do u guys feel about this??? I live for dinner angst tbhhhh, also if u want more just ask, otherwise this will be the only one i make bc I'm a pretty unmotivated person 💀