"Ashley Miller?"
"Here."I rise from the uncomfortable waiting room seats.
"Follow me" calls out a young female nurse in blue scrubs. She turns and walk down the hallway she came from. "I'll be here waiting" mom mumbles as she continues flipping through a months old cooking magazine.
I follow the nurse, my legs stiff from sitting for so long. She leads me to a empty room then calls out, "The doctor will be with you shortly" before looking down at a clipboard and abruptly waking out. Deep breaths, I think to myself, it's just a yearly checkup there's nothing to worry about. True but last year I didn't weigh over 200 pounds, last year I was happy, last year Lainey was still alive. No, don't think about Lain you'll be a blubbering mess by the time the doctor sees you. I inhale deeply and count the tiles on the ceiling above me. I get to 24 when a short athletic built woman with salt and pepper hair and a white lab coat barges in. "Hello there, Ashley is it? I'm doctor Cooper, my aren't you a big girl, what are you, 16?" She's talking a mile a minute. "15" I look down as I reply, I didn't want to see her examine me with those dark brown eyes of hers, telling me what I already know. "Well now, according to your test you're doing perfectly well aside from the fact that you're uhumm.... in a much higher weight range then most girls your age but I'd still suggest perhaps a change in your eating habits and umm... some physical activity" she's telling me exactly what I expected. It's her job, she's doing it to better my life but still the humiliation and hurt bring a slight misting to my eyes.
As I walk out into the waiting room to get my mom I try not to make eye contact with anyone else. I don't like seeing the look of disgust others have trouble hiding when they see me. She looks up, "Well?" "Nothing we don't already know, I've told you mom I'm perfectly healthy". Her mouth screws up like she's bitten into something sour "mhmm."
~~~
We drive back home in silence. "Mom....really it's alright." "No Ashley it's not, you haven't been alright since Lainey died, you've put your body through too much since then. Look at you. I wasn't even that big when I was pregnant with you! Do you want to stay single and alone your whole life? Well, do you?!" I hate when she gets like this. I know she doesn't mean it. She won't even remember saying these things later but she can't help it. "No." "Then f*cking do something about it Ashley!"
~~~
I throw myself on my bed. As soon as my head hit the pillow the waterworks happened. I know I could have it much worse. That fact doesn't take away the hurt I'm feeling. God, I miss lain. She could cheer me right up. I should've been there for her, this is my punishment isn't it. I wasn't there for her and now she'll never be able to be there for me. It's all my fault....it's all my fault.....I deserve this....all of this. I cried myself to sleep.
