SUICIDAL

SUICIDAL I

A day in my life is like a years worth of agony and pain, the constant anxiety and panic attacks, the nightmares from the past, the constant aching in my head accompanied by those bloody voices screaming every second reminding me of how worthless and miserable I am. The tragedy of my reality has been accustomed to me but not to those around me. Every day comes along with a new horror, a new revelation of myself, Ive successfully shut the door of my existence and pushed everybody away, to the world where I am dead, buried six feet under the ground with no trophy to my name and no weeper at my grave. Well, I faked my death so well that even I began to believe I was dead, visiting my tomb every year to pay my respect to the old me. Even with no one around me I still felt suffocated in my skin, I tried so many times to end it all but I was too much of a weakling to ever go through with it.

My names Kiara Diamond the most miserable soul to ever walk the earth, if tragedy ever had a face, itd be mine, a disappointment and a failure in the eyes of all who knew me but a hero and saviour in the eyes of those who never even met me. Im a twenty-two-year-old successful writer with many awards to my name but no face to it and still Im loved and practically worshipped by the world, Im like a myth, a fiction even, a figment of ones imagination. No one knows who or what I am, all they know is a noble writer who helps the poor and needy, an activist who inspires the masses and encourages the youths, and the best tragicomic writer ever known to man, but what they dont know is that what they consider fiction is my reality, my tragic journey through life.

Writing is my only escape from life and its harsh reality, Im also a singer and lyricist but I find more solace in writing, hence why I indulge in it the most. When my demons come to play, I sit in front of my desk and begin to write to distract myself from all their words, when the nightmares come to arrest me and I somehow manage to break free from them, I jolt awake and hastily grab my laptop and begin to write. Writing is the only thing that has kept me sane all these years but sometimes it doesnt do much to ease the pain and shut the voices in my head.

Every day I get up to a messy home with no energy or zeal, I laze around for about an hour before I push, myself to my desk and encourage myself to write a new book or update an old one, even if Im miserable I could at least make other people happy right?! But waking up today was a bit different from the rest because there was a knock on my door, no one ever knocked on my door except I placed an order which I knew I didnt, so why was there a knock on my door?!

I tried not to panic and think of the possibility of being found out, I couldnt risk someone finding out I was alive, no I couldnt let that happen, I was already in a state of panic and my anxiety had spiked up, at this rate I would end up having an attack, I tried thinking positively but when have I ever thought of anything positive, the doorbell kept on ringing accompanied by a voice treating to break the door down, I dont recognize that voice so it wasnt anyone I know which gave me some type of relief, but then again the voice was just too harsh and alarming, I could hear the banging of the door getting harsher and I immediately got my mask and put it on, a gunshot was heard and the door was kicked open making me freeze, I could hear footsteps approaching my room door and so I got out on my own, I didnt want anybody entering my room, it was my shrine, my safe space.

I stood still in front of my bedroom door seeing several police officers in my house with guns held pointing towards me. Hello officer, how may I be of help? I managed to say without stuttering, this was my first interaction with a human life in years and never had I imagined it being like this, my anxiety was picking up again with all the weapons pointing at me.

Good afternoon Ms. Diamond, can you please come with us to the station? the officer in front of me who I assume is the one in charge spoke and I glanced at him and then at his men, my head started aching indicating I was already having an attack I couldnt breathe, the voices in my head came back, I could see the officers lips moving but I couldnt hear a word he said and before I knew it I blacked out.

I woke up in a hospital with the beeping sound of machines and an oxygen mask on my nose, I tried touching my face to see if my mask was still on but I couldnt which caused me to panic I kept on trying to free myself but to no avail, I couldnt move and breathing became difficult to even with the oxygen mask on, I heard footsteps rushing towards me and tried to focus but I couldnt, I was having another attack, I felt something pierce my skin and I started feeling sleepy, I tried fighting it but I couldnt and ended up succumbing to the weight of my eyelids.

When next I opened my eyes the restraints on my hands were gone but those on my legs remained but I didnt mind them, my throat was dry and I needed water but I couldnt find my voice, I was too weak to move, I felt paralyzed, I still had the oxygen mask on, the thought of my face came back and I mustered all the strength in me to touch it and I checked for my mask, luckily it was still on my face and I sighed in relief but I was still thirsty and the itch in my throat increased, I became desperate and started banging my hand on the table beside me.

After about a minute an officer whom I recognized to be the one from this morning who broke into my house came into the room alongside a doctor and a nurse. The doctor instructed the nurse to pass me the bottled water and I couldnt be more grateful, the nurse helped me to sit properly on the bed and handed me the bottled water, which I immediately began drinking greedily. Once my thirst was quenched the doctor examined me and asked me a few questions which I managed to give a few brief answers to and then he along with the nurse left the room, leaving me alone with the officer.

The officer pulled a chair towards the bed I was sitting on and settled himself comfortably in it. Silence fell into the room for some time before the officer finally decided to speak.

How are you, Ms. Diamond. My names Sergeant Austine I turned my gaze to him but gave no reply making him frown, he cleared his throat before proceeding to speak.

Ill make this brief and cut to the chase, do you know anybody by the name Cassandre? he inquired making me confused, he watched my face morph into confusion as I tried to remember but, in all honesty, I have never heard of that name before in my life.

Her names Ms Cassandre Philips but goes by Cassy he spoke again as he continued to watch my every move, the name Cassy did ring a bell but I dont remember from where. So, I looked at the officer again and shook my head in denial.

You see Cassy was killed two days ago at about 7:30 pm a few blocks from your house and the description of the woman matches yours along with all the CCTV footage Now this was interesting, what a nice story to write about, I was just bursting with creativity and ideas, for the first time in a long time I had an inspiration, although I was getting accused falsely but when havent I been misjudged? I gasped at the fact of being accused of a crime, an outdoor crime to be précised when I barely even see the sun.

Dont you have anything to say in your defence Ms.? I stared at him for a while before finally speaking.

I want to contact my lawyer After saying this I laid back on the bed, looking towards the ceiling before closing my eyes. I could tell the officer wasnt pleased with my reply at all but I didnt care.

Youll contact your lawyer later but for now could you please just cooperate with me and answer my questions I ignored him and kept my eyes closed; he grumbled some words under his breath before speaking.

Ill tell my colleagues to bring your phone to you he said through gritted teeth before stepping out of the room leaving me alone with my thoughts.

Remember when I said every day of my life comes with its horror well this is exactly what I meant, from one chaos to another, no single peace, only God knows who killed Cassi or whatever her name was, how careless of her to let herself get killed by the hands of another when she could have done it on her own, now her soul wont know peace until her murderer has been brought to justice but why on earth did I have to be roped into all these mess, cant a lonely soul be left alone without getting sucked into the craziness of life?! Well, I guess not, Im not even surprised in the slightest, I just need this to be over and done with as soon as possible, my bed needs me.