𝗠𝗬 𝗣𝗘𝗥𝗦𝗢𝗡 | 𝗝𝗨𝗗𝗘 𝗕𝗘𝗟𝗟𝗜𝗡𝗚𝗛𝗔𝗠

18.

Jude

I stare down at the number I haven't called for about two months now. The one number I relied on for the past year, so I could get to a place where I was okay. Funny how things come full circle.

"Hello?" The voice is croaky. It's 4am over here in Italy so where they are it's also early morning. There's only an hour difference.

"Hi." I respond nervously. Turning to look out at the view from the balcony.

"Jude. It's been a while."

"Yes. It has."

"Thanks for letting me call, sorry it's so early. I just really need to talk."

"You know you can call me anytime." I can hear them sitting up, preparing themself for what I have to say. Just like old times.

"What's going on?" What isn't at this point. I don't even know where to start.

I let out a deep sigh. I feel sad, angry, lost. I know most of this is my doing. I'm to blame for a lot. Sometimes I just feel like I'm always doing the wrong thing. That I can't get anything right.

"Might have to start up our sessions again." I laugh.

"Why's that?" My therapist questions. Her voice is calm.

I look down as I hold the phone to my ear.

"Things are just......I've....I've fucked everything up."

"What do you mean? What's been going on?" Her voice is soft. Comforting.

"I have a girlfriend now. Been together a month."

"That's lovely Jude."

I don't respond. Instead I take a deep breath, head in my hands.

"Is it not lovely?" My therapist asks, noting my silence. She was always good at that. Reading between the lines. Not missing a beat. If I look away for a minute, breathed a little heavier, she'd spot it. Get me to explain why I did that. We'd analyse it and by the end I'd understand my emotions better, be able to understand why I feel how I do.

"I don't love her." I admit. Which catches me off guard a little seeing as i haven't actually said that out loud.

"How do you know?" My therapist questions. She says it softly. Not in a argumentative way but in a way that gets me to think about what I've said and why I have.

"Because—" I sigh. Head feels heavy. So many thoughts swirling around. No way of knowing how to express them.

"I never stopped loving Harmony." That sentence alone knocks the wind out of me. Not because I didn't know. I've always known. Tried to hide it, distract myself from it, but I've always known. It's just saying it out loud, knowing things are how they are, it hurts.

"That's the problem." I add.

"Why?" My therapist asks.

"Because she's always in my head. I can't think clearly when I'm around her. I do stupid things. Things I regret. I don't think. Everything becomes muddled when it comes to her. Because when I'm around her, she's all I see."