Radha | The Goddess of Love (ON HOLD)

SIXTEEN

I gazed at the beautiful morpankh, wondering how long I had to wait to see Krishn again. I felt an ache in my heart whenever I reminded myself that I will not see him for a few days. I twirled it in my fingers. A sweet wind flew and brought me out of my trance.

I decided to sit with Grandmother. I got up, and kept the morpankh in a secret, safe place in my room. The moment I stepped out of my room, I heard high-pitched laughing from Grandmother's room. I breathed out a sigh, knowing who the cunning voice belonged too. I prepared myself, telling myself to get over all the niceties as soon as I could.

So, I made my way to Grandma's room. The moment I stepped in the room, Jatila Kaki turned around to face me. 'Ah, Radha, how long it has been!' I turned to face her, and mustered up a smile as bright as I possible could. Before I could reply, she engulfed me in a giant hug.

Behind her shoulders, I looked at Grandmother who, from her bed, was shaking her head with a disgusted face. I almost laughed at her reaction.

I chuckled uncomfortably as she patted my back, but I hugged her back nonetheless. Each time I met Jatila Kaki, I always wanted to believe that she was a better person. This time, I did too.

'O, wow, my darling.' She said as she pulled back and held my shoulders, 'So much...beauty. All these jewelleries and ah, the beautiful braid. Is there some special occasion today, Sukhada ji, that I am unaware of? Perhaps one that involves Radha dancing.' I struggled to maintain my smile, that had dropped only subtly. Yet again, Jatila Kaki had crushed all my hopes for her.

More than bitterness, I felt awkwardness. Jatila Kaki was the same lady who had sent a proposal for me. One that had only recently been rejected. I wondered what she thought of me and my family now. I was sure, however, she could find another, perhaps a woman who was not too young and in love with someone else, for her son.

Grandmother spoke up, with a stingy sarcasm in her voice and a false sweetness plastered on her face, 'O who are girls to do something for themselves and not for impressing others, am I not right, Jatila?'

Jatila Kaki turned around to face Grandmother, 'Ability to impress and entrance is a woman's greatest advantage, is it not, Sukhada ji? Our Radha is a woman now, not a little girl anymore, right?' Grandmother scoffed, 'As a sick, old lady, I believe Radha is still a young girl. A young girl who does not have to stick to a man as her shadow.' Grandmother looked directly at Jatila Kaki, and Kaki scoffed.

'Perhaps that is true, but its not applicable to today's world. A woman is nothing without her husband's support.' Jatila Kaki had always been a "shadow" of her husband, but that didn't stop her from manipulating him into getting what she wanted. Grandma and I both knew that. It was clever how Jatila bended this rule into something beneficial for her. But I always felt bad for her husband, who was a close friend of Baba's.

'So, you think I am nothing without my husband? My husband is not here anymore, in case you had not known.' Grandmother said, and Kaki immediately quietened. She paced out of the room, saying she had to speak to Baba.

'Why were you so quiet? She was insulting you.' Grandmother asked me. 'You did not let me say anything!' I told her, sitting beside her. 'What will you do when I am not here?' I had grown used to her asking such questions that painfully made me aware of her condition.

'I can handle such short meetings. I can just leave the house whenever she comes. It is not like she will start living with me.' I shrugged. She said, 'Are you sure about that?' My eyes widened and I nodded deeply. 'Yes, Grandmother. There is no way I am ever going to marry her son.' I told her. She chuckled at how serious I was. But I truly meant what I said.

'You know your Baba. He is extremely fond of Gopa and Jatila. He is very serious about his friendships, since childhood.' Grandmother said.

'Baba would never sacrifice his daughter's happiness for a friendship, though.' I spoke hesitantly and looked at Grandmother, she nodded in thought. 'Perhaps you are right.' She coughed a couple of times.

'What do you think about marriage then, Radha?' She asked me after a while. I said, 'I do not oppose marriage, Grandma. But I would like to marry after some years, and marry someone who I love.' I hid my face as I looked out the window. I knew my cheeks were pink.

'That is wise enough,' she said. She sighed and held my hand in hers. 'I would have loved to tell you to trust life. But I have a hard time at that too. I don't want you to trust life, I want you to trust yourself. Life will not pave a path for your happiness, you will have to yourself.'

I had gotten used to how her philosophical lessons entered our conversations out of nowhere. But I was entranced by her words each time I heard them. I enjoyed them, as much as they made me question everything I did.

I nodded, wondering how simple life seemed to feel when I was younger. But I knew better than to be that girl again.

I would not have been the way I am, were it not for Grandmother and the things she taught me.

'Thank you,' I told her quietly, almost in a whisper. I looked towards Grandmother, and saw that she was asleep. I got up to leave, but then I noticed her hands. They were so, so, hot. I checked her forehead, and immediately knew she had a burning fever.

I called for Daya, and she brought with herself a wet cloth and I made her medicines that the doctor had prescribed.

...

Home was close. I was happy that my uneventful walk was over for good. Without Krishn to annoy me, I was surprised how dull the days had been. I was patiently waiting for him to return. But my wait was almost over, for he was to return the next day.

But my breath escaped me, for the moment I entered home, I heard breathless crying.

My hands shook as I made my way straight to Grandmother's room. She was on her bed as usual, but when I held her hand, it was cold as ice.

Grandma was gone.

...