My Ups&Downs

Anger

Anger started to fill me up before I knew it.

When did it start? I don't remember my self. This pent up anger inside me is a culmination of negative thoughts I've nurtured for years, reasons stacked up on each other that I cannot explain why I have so much of this volatile energy inside me.

Maybe it started when I hated how I can't play outside like other children because of my sickness. Maybe it was when I was not able to have things others have because we didn't have the money for it. Maybe it was when I had to give up things for the selfishness of others. Maybe it was when life kept failing my expectations.

I don't know when it started but it was already there when I realized it.

This anger I can't put into words. This anger that I can't put a reason to. This anger that finds a reason to exist. It's harsh and heavy and very much something that I never wanted but something that life gave me to bear.

I am not able to count how many times I had to swallow my words, how many times I had to lock myself up so that no one will know the existence of this pitch black thing that is hiding beneath my skin.

It's the hardest when I feel like screaming and the world is too quiet and I fear to break the silence.

Those days I pray and pray that it passes, it going away, it settling down. I fail then so I cry without tears, I scream without voice, I'm angry, I'm bursting. I can't suppress it so I let go as much as I can as quietly as I can.

But it's never enough. I'm a glass full with cracks on the surface taped together. It will eventually be broken once again and I am forced to let go and be back at that tipping point.

At some point I learned to not feel. But I know that it's still in there, that large bonfire of tumultuous anger I cannot get rid of. It's like getting a third degree burn so far gone that you lose your sense of feeling.

I just hope that in death, this anger will finally leave me because I don't think I can bear roaming this world as an angry ghost.