My Ups&Downs

I Want To Rest In Peace

I was not okay.

My heart hurt, I felt horrible and sick, I was tired of hearing degrading things, I was frustrated at my useless self.

I wanted to scream, "SHUT UP", but in the end I just stayed silent and gulped down my tears.

I felt like my heart is being squeezed out. I felt like my head would burst. My ears were ringing of their voices, and I was sick of it.

With my hazy state, I picked up my phone and typed. "How to die without pain." I laughed bitterly at what Google answered me.

Life saving hotlines, posts saying some useless things, overcoming depression tips. I was asking how to die but I couldn't get the answers I wanted.

I was tired of my life. I wanted to end it. But they're telling me to live, hold on and suffer more. Well thank you for that. I appreciate that.

I felt helpless. I wasn't thinking straight at all. I said to myself, "You're insane."

Hopeless me, I just deleted my search history and opened my Twitter account. I saw that my favorite idol is now breaking records. It at least made me feel better that they're soaring high, while I'm just few miles away from hitting the rock hard bottom.

I wish someone would pull me out of this madness. I wish someone who decorate my skin and cover my scars. I wish someone would tell me that I don't need to be someone I am not.

I wish I had someone who will be right beside me and comfort me through the night.

But that's just a wishful thinking.

In the end I just put on my earphones, blasting music to my ears, blocking away their voices.

Ignoring the world, I typed the words that came into mind. Knowing that no one would even care for someone who's immature, overdramatic, and attention seeker.

I thank you for wasting your time reading this.