Abby 2: Abigail

Chapter 3

The city's lights twinkled like stars as I gazed out my patio door later that evening. High on the 20th floor, I was surrounded by the quietness of my luxury apartment provided as part of my contract. Meanwhile, the never-sleeping metropolis below sprawled far into the distance, its pulse never faltering.

My breath condensed on the cool glass as I exhaled, obscuring my view. As the city lights blurred, it left me with a sudden longing to see them again. The bustling city had once made the naive small-town girl in me uncomfortable, but the woman I was today called it home. Its anonymity protected me like an armored cloak—my shield against the judgment of people who would condemn me for my life choices.

The people in my hometown had been quick to pass their self-righteous judgment when gossip spread about me going to the small erotic boutique there. My boss at the time even phoned me, asking if I was having relationship issues with my then fiancé, Dan. When word of me attending the Fleur-de-lis got out, he had fired me outright.

Yet here in the city, nobody cared what I did. I was just another cold, indifferent stranger to the crowds I passed on the street daily. It was just how I liked it now.

As my fingers touched the cool, smooth surface, I thought about Eden's proposal earlier that morning.

I want more than just our visits.

It shouldn't have surprised me. Eden was a man of singular focus, and it served him well in his business endeavors. But ever since we first met, he had turned that focus towards me. I had suspected that one day his desires might involve a deeper commitment and exclusivity. Yet, it had caught me off guard.

It wasn't that I wanted to keep my options open; far from it. Eden was a man who knew what he wanted and had no qualms about going after it. It was one thing that I found attractive about him. And, in truth, I was drawn to him in ways I couldn't explain. But was I ready to give up my freedom at the club? That was the question I struggled to answer.

Nor was I promiscuous with the men at the club. Yes, I flirted and teased, that was part of my job. I also performed on stage as part of my contract, but those didn't involve sex with anyone. In fact, I hadn't even gone on a date with anyone else since Eden and I had reconnected. Yet the thought of committing myself fully to him filled me with a sense of trepidation.

Deep down, I admitted to myself that the real question was not about my desire to be with Eden. I did. But what I feared was the unspoken implications. After years of being in a toxic, controlling relationship, the idea of committing to someone was scary. In addition, the type of marriage I watched my parents create seemed a bitter pill to swallow after now seeing a different side of life. Theirs was a marriage of obligation. A loveless arrangement of duty and sacrifice sanctioned by the church. The same church that had offered my parents its condolences when it found out I was working at the Fleur-de-lis as one might the death of a child.

I turned away from the glass door, gazing at my private sanctuary. The club had furnished my apartment with decadence. Crimson drapes pooled onto hardwood floors like spilled wine. Lavish furnishings and provocative, erotic art adorned the walls, echoing my journey into a world of sexuality. A far cry from my previous sheltered life.

Shadows cast by dim accent lighting echoed the tumult within me as my fingers trailed along the soft back of the sofa. A tactile reminder of the tangible things keeping me grounded. The plush cushions embraced me as I sat, drawing my knees towards my chest and peering again through the glass into the night.

The Fleur-de-lis was out there in the thriving metropolis. Nestled among the city's arteries, it pulsed with secrets denied to most, while offering taboo pleasures to those it allowed in. At the club, my growing sexuality and interest power exchanges were not something to hide, but something to be celebrated. There I was unbound, even when bound; could see myself, even when blindfolded; found respect from others, even while being degraded. My time there had taught me to embrace dichotomy in life and find balance in the give-and-take of things.

As I stared into the night, the glass reflected not the naive girl I was, but the woman I had become. A strong and independent woman. One who wanted her autonomy yet still yearned to anchor herself to a loving connection that wouldn't try to chain me.

More of my past invaded my consciousness. Dan, whose initial affection had turned to possessiveness, had tried to keep me caged while he stepped outside the bounds of our relationship. It had been almost an entire year now since Madeleine unveiled his infidelity to me. When I first learned about his betrayal, I told myself I felt nothing, believing at the time that I had never really loved him. Yet, after my acceptance at the club, when I could fully process the breakup, I discovered that the wound had cut me much deeper than I had imagined. Although I had released any outward anger towards him long ago, I still blamed myself for letting it happen. The scar remained, and I had little wish to experience that pain again.

Even before Dan, the twin figures of parental authority tried to mold my naive beliefs with the rigidity of iron as I navigated the pressures of school. The oppressive curriculum at the local Christian school beat into us every day that we were nothing more than wretched sinners. Growing up, everything had been about controlling me.

With a last sighing glance at the city, I stood and turned off the lights, letting the night air caress my skin as I walked down the hallway to my bedroom. There, I undressed, slipping into an old T-shirt Eden had left behind. Lifting it to my nose, I breathed his scent deep into my lungs, recalling his image.

Can I trust you not to put me in a gilded cage, Eden? Or will you soon try to control my freedom like everyone else has?

The night offered no answer to my silent query as I walked towards the bathroom. Its only response was the faint breeze from the open window that stirred the curtains. The fresh, minty taste of toothpaste did little to answer my questions, either. I stared back at my reflection in the mirror, bristles rasping against the hard enamel, each stroke counting down the time until I would have to make a choice. I spat, watching the white foam swirl down the sink as I turned on the tap, wishing gravity would also take my uncertainty.

But I won't wait forever.

Eden's words stuck in my mind like a thorn. With a flick of my wrist, I shut the water off, leaning closer to the glass as I inspected my teeth. Would I be content to stay stuck waiting for someone like I was asking him to? He could have any woman he desired.

I traced the thin film of fog my breath left behind on the mirror with my fingers. They cut a path through it as quickly as his touch had cut through my defenses eight months ago.

Maybe I should just let him go. It would be easier on him.

I patted my face dry with a nearby hand towel before tossing it back onto the rack. These same familiar rituals, performed every night, seemed inconsequential next to the heavy weight of the choice before me.

Climbing into bed, I slipped beneath the cool silk sheets, smelling Eden's scent on his shirt again. I tried to find clarity in the white ceiling above but again found only silence.

Time. I still need time to heal. To learn and understand what I want to become. What I can become.

The T-shirt's soft fabric caressed me as I rolled onto my side. I traced again the now-faded marks from my time with Eden over the past two days, wishing I was still in his arms tonight.

"Eden," I whispered, summoning a mental image of him into bed with me. "I adore our time together, losing myself in the intensity of everything we share. But my independence... it's not something I think I'm ready to let go of. Even for you."

My eyes closed, leaving my questions unanswered. My tangled emotions would not unravel tonight; they could wait for now.

The steady background noise of the city pulsed outside my window as sleep beckoned. Its welcome distraction offered me a brief respite from the chaos of my conflicted heart. A heart that was wild and alive for all its confusion.