All the Colors of Earth (Natasha Romanoff)

2.0

Part Two
Natasha

May 10, 2014

Each step away from her breaks my heart.

I know I broke hers. The ground trembling behind me is all the proof I need. It takes everything I have not to turn around, not to run to her and run away with her.

I don't care what that alien said about her, what the rest of the team thinks about her. I know her, I love her and yet I betrayed her.

Because I was weak.
Because I was a coward.
Because I was terrified that she was just using me.
So I went along with the boys, almost let that thing take her.

The voice of my old masters flow through my head-
You are worthless and undeserving of love. Who would want a killer, a murderer, like you? Who could possibly love you?

I shake my head, trying to get them to leave me alone. I hadn't heard them in months, not since that first date with Marz, since that first kiss.

My hand wanders up to my lips, trying to remember the last time she kissed me, the last time she looked at me with anything other than sorrow and betrayal. Anger builds up in me and I swing at the closest thing, my hand smashing into the window of a shop and breaking it.

Pain radiates up my hand and arm but it gives me the focus I need.

I can't lose myself to the emotions, not when she can feel them. So I let myself become numb. I let my mind turn to autopilot, let the pain in my hand fade as I recede into my mind.

I lean on my training, using the skills beaten into me during my childhood. Don't think, don't feel, just see what needs to be done and do it.

Focus, the voice says again. Make your list and execute it.

My list. Lists were easy.
1) get back to the tower
2) fix my hand
3) check on the boys
4) keep them away from Marz, no matter the cost

No matter what's happened, she's still mine. And no matter what, I protect what's mine. From whoever I need to.

Before long I'm back in the tower and in the medical center with Dr Lee poking and prodding my hand. I know it's broken but I don't let myself feel it. What I feel she feels, so I keep myself numb.

"You'll need a cast," Dr Lee tells me.

"Fine."

As Dr Lee puts the cast on, he asks, "if I may ask, why didn't you go to Dr Banner? I thought he was your go to guy for this sort of things."

"He was busy."

I assumed he would be, anyway. I didn't even try and go see him. I didn't want to deal with the questions, all the pitying looks.

Of course I'd have to deal with the boys eventually, but right now I had other things to do. If only the doctor would hurry up. "Are you almost done?" I snap at him.

He puts one last piece on the cast and steps back, "all done." I get up from the chair and start to walk out but he stops me, "I should tell you that you'll be out of service for about a month."

"I doubt that, I heal fast."

Leaving the room, I make my way to my floor, glad that I didn't run into anyone. I hadn't told them I was leaving and I didn't feel like lying to them right now about the cast.

The elevator doors slide open and I step into my apartment, "welcome home," JARVIS tells me.

"How are the boys?" I ask him.

"Mr Stark is still in his lab with Dr Banner trying to create a program to find Miss Cadanar but so far they are having no luck. The Captain is in the training room. I've already had to order more punching bags and Mr Barton has gone home," he tells me.

"Did anyone notice me leave?"

"They did not. Nor did they notice your return, although Dr Banner might find out from your recent visit to the medical center."

Kicking off my shoes I head to my room, "can you delete my visit?"

"Of course but it goes against SHEILD protocol."

"Do it," I order him.

"Yes Agent Romanoff," he answers. "Will there be anything else?"

"Actually yeah," I say slowly. "Has Marz- Agent Cadanar's picture been run through facial recognition yet?"

"The program has been running since her disappearance but so far there has been no luck."

Taking a breath I ask, "can you pause the program for an hour without alerting anyone?"

"I could. May I ask why you want me to do this?"

"No," I tell him. "Please just do it."

"Of course Agent," he says. "It is done. You now have exactly one hour before the program is back online."

"Thank you," I tell him. "That'll be all."

Logging into my personal computer, I put Marzda's picture into the facial recognition and pray that nobody has found her yet. Keeping people away from her I could do, but breaking her out of a prison while going against my team, was not something I could do.

I watch the program, feeling more relieved the longer it went without finding her, until it beeped and stopped. The woman on my screen was staring directly at the camera. She had changed her hair and was wearing glasses, but it was definitely her.

I watch as she turns from the camera and heads to the ticket counter. It looks like she was at an airport, at the international gate. Good, she was leaving the country.

Deleting her from the camera footage was easy, same with the passenger list. I erase all evidence that she was ever there, of where she's possibly going. Nobody needs to know where she's going.

But I know.
She always said that Paris was nice this time of year.