Check In Book

18/1/24

Smile for me!

You know I'm always here.. Just not for long.

Just checking in on all of my lovely followers and friends!

This month so far has been.. Eventful. As you all know, I've been on punishment, without technology and my account just kind of went still.

I am still on punishment as we speak and shouldn't even be able to talk to you guys but I still have a crap tablet that my mother and I forgot about, still have the old charger.

I've been spending my time drawing, reading on AO3 and staying quiet as I read on here, replying to no one.

Let's get this started. The reason I'm on punish in the first place is because I went silent, not moving an inch to get up for school no matter how hard my mother tried.

It's not her fault for not knowing, I was just frozen in fear and panic from my brain thinking up awful situations, like "What if my bullies start to get physical?"
"What if I do the wrong thing and end up alone?"
"What if.."

In the end, I managed not to hurt myself because the fear was so overwhelming that everything was scary. I can think of drowning myself but when I filled the bath tub I sat still and dunked my head underwater as much as possible, hating the feeling of the water going in my nose and throat so I stopped.
I can think of cutting myself but I sharpened a knife and put it back with shaky hands.
I can think of running away but I freeze up.

I've grown to hate touching unless I ask for hugs or if I get them from close friends.

I hate even brushing against someone in the hallway, I hate hallways filled with people. Strangers.

Quick Segway

I got into a fight with my friends about (f1)'s boyfriend.

We fought about how I can't call him a brother and make dirty, sexualized jokes with him. I just feel comfortable with him like that, but we can be chill. Like when me and him would just talk at the corner at the bottom of the school hill before half an hour passes and I walk home.

It was an awkward, anger inducing fight... But we're ok now, talking, joking.

All we needed to do was talk and now I know what I do without realizing I'm making them uncomfortable.

(f1) doesn't like being sexualized to a degree or being around dirty stuff -other than the book she's reading, lol

(f2) Didn't like how easily I got some things she didn't understand and now I know how angry she gets sometimes considering the conversation we had.

We back

I know no one in my school except for three acquaintance. One best friend that I feel proud to call my boyfriend.

Yeah, I got a boyfriend. Walking example of friends to lovers trope.

His voice comforts me and every time we part I can't help but drop my smile when he lets go of my sleeve when we walk or when I can't hear him, when I can't touch him, when I can't feel his warmth.
His presence makes me so happy.

His hands are warm, his smile his crooked, his walk is wobbly, he can't sit still, his eyes and that face I hold so close to my heart.

We made a promise to never stop being friends, we'll always gave each other.

I'm unintentionally corny around him and he gets visibly red. Every time I see him down the hallway, my legs start doing this shaking, spim thing. I stand on my toes and my legs start bouncing, it's more noticeable when I sit.

He got me a blanket because he knows how cold I get, my knee hits the underside of the table because my body is so weird that I just tense up instead of shivering. Must be because I'm always tense.

He made me a bear made out of bright yellow fuzzy yarn, knowing how sensory I am. SHAPES AND COLORS.

He made me stickers, notes, drawings. I keep all of his gifts and small proof of our interactions.

Anyways, I'm rambling about him.. He makes me so happy and with him it's the only time I don't start crying in a dead silent room.

I hate: prolonged silence, loud noise, touch, certain textures, speaking, familiar strangers.

I like: Hugs, consented head pats, smooth and soft textures.

-18/1/24 Gray