Check In Book

5/10/24

Wow, look at this fucking world! It finally stopped snowing but it's still cold, my mom hasn't stop coughing for a month now and she almost fell yesterday and it makes me scared.
I dislike her sometimes but I still need her, she's the only close person I have.

I think my social anxiety is still trying to peak, my grades are slipping and I still have that ink on my hand from when I tested that pen. I remember showering but even yesterday I forgot when.

I've finally started watching Yuri on ice, my romantic clingy gay boys I love more than life! If anything bad were to happen like slander, I'd still watch it bit hesitantly.

I tried to go to sleep yesterday but I went to sleep at two, the sun wasn't up but for some reason I was. When I tried to go to sleep my bones started itching and my limbs went stiff and my eyes started wandering even if they were closed, then my stomach was in pain and I can't keep my closet door closed.

Can't wait for the weekend, is it mothers day? I can't remember anyone's or my own birthday. Sometimes I do, but it's scary to know that I'm ageing and everything I've done means absolutely nothing, the world would be happier without someone who can't even talk in front of people or almost cried in the walk through a crowd.
Why am I so scared all the time? I have no reason, it feels like a crime! I stutter and flinch and freeze and sometimes I can't even breathe.

I feel uncomfortable in my own skin, everything feels itchy and burns inside, like someone is trying to get out. But what if they're not nice, what if they're too much, what if they're someone no one should trust? What if my boyfriend leaves me behind..?

I fucking hate laying in bed knowing it's the only thing I'm good at, my talents are slipping and I can't even read a book without getting emotional or angry, I didn't expect to die inside when I'm eating fucking sushi.

I was on a trip and my m went away, I brought what I needed and even though I stayed for six days I only wore two outfits, I stayed on the couch then my cousin made me get up. We went to the deli and she made me order and I blanked out, started stuttering and I couldn't fucking breathe.

I talked to the store cat with soft black fur but I can't fucking talk to a person. What the fuck is wrong with me?

I feel anxious writing this, wondering what you would think but I lay hear and realize how two Faced I've been. I can be so fun and outgoing when I am online but in real life I'll leave that all behind.