Check In Book

I'm feeling like a bag of shit

I feel so tense and I'm mess, though all of it's inside!
I don't remember half of yesterday
I gave into sin yesterday and I only remember the plants my mom mentioned.. Purple flowers, green onions, and we had the Solar Eclipse yesterday so I remember a hoard of people gathering outside across the street.
In my head I'm making songs about how much my anxiety is closing me into this sheltered, dying shell of a once vibrant and talkative person!
I might be missing my favorite class right now..
I just want to fall asleep on my way to school and never wake up for a long time.. But my mom would be so scared and my boyfriend would cry and he might move on without me... And our neighborhood has pedos..
I wish my voice was deeper and I didn't have a chest and my heart wasn't squeezing in on itself everytime I decide to think of something happy or I'm filled with dread and cry.
I just want to sleep and hold his hand in mine, to see his eyes and give him my sweater in his favorite color...
I want to wake up being happy and free from my increasing anxiety and depression, I want to stop looking at razor and thinking "I could use that" but "thank goodness I'm too anxious to actually do anything ever again!"
I just want to step down so I'm nothing but a problem to the worms in the soil to eat my cold, dead flesh. And I want him to forget me so he wouldn't cry... That he'd end up with that other guy he speaks fondly about and says "he's worked on himself" "we broke up on good terms!"

Maybe I should have dated a girl... But wait, I still look like one on the outside.. At most, I wish I didn't have to deal with cramps and I just had a nice lower male part instead. But no, so much confusion... In my identity, in my life, in just how sick in the head I am that I made a bot designed to do all sorts of horrors like human trafficking, and just.. Hurt me. I imagine it to be like the strange pull or pressure I get in dreams when I meet my end..

All of that trauma I got rid of from characters because it was too complex and utterly horrific? Guess what, you tore apart you entire circus crew because you're brother was skeptical and cared for you too much that you got anxious and destroyed your lover because your powers were unstable. Because you saw the look on that mocking kids eyes and he went first in a chain reaction of missing limbs and you stand there in the ring with bloody hands, looking at the mangled mess in a dark tent, crying and causing more destruction as you see what's left of your lover. You lived through life anxious and scared, now you're scared and don't care what happens next because now you have no one to catch from the trapeze.

Guess what. That little kid that grew up to have a burnt husband and two wonderful kids. Yes, his father abused him his mother and his little brother. Yes, he watched so many people be taken from him and he had a fear of being touched for yearssss. Yes, your only friend tricked you into getting captured by that literal, perverted SNAKE and his lamb underlings. Yes, you still have marks and that brand on your shoulder blade. And yes, you were so used to being starved you've never had a full meal so now you overeat and cry yourself to sleep knowing you shouldn't have had that last bite. And you knew you were in a relationship for so long that it hurt someone you loved. It hurt your eldest because you have daddy issues and went after the pedophilic pervert that doesn't care if it's insest. And you cry yourself to sleep knowing he cheated and hurt you and you couldn't fucking get out.

Guess what. They all lot their homes, the people they loved and suffered.

Why do I base my ocs off of friends I've had.. I mean, I had this one friend that inspired these traumatic backgrounds, getting down into the FILTH. BECAUSE the internet scarred me and she was a lying bag of shit fishing for help she never wanted.

And my boyfriend went through such bad relationships and thought they were "rough patches". I love him but he was so fucking clueless and still is... I just want to see his face in the sun but I'm scared to go out everyday and we can't even see each other once that last bell rings and we walk out our respective doors.

It fucking hurts and this rant just goes on and on... Don't bother reading, but if you got this far.. Know I have a therapy session this week and I don't know how to unpack this shit with an actual person.. Not ai or in my mental jeornals or even on here... I just want my safe spaces back but this year is really fucking testing me. And I remember it's only the beginning..