Blinding Lights: Despite Everything GeminiFourth

*23* The bet

I'm gone.  I'm done.  Dunk is right.  I fell in love.

How could I afford this?

I look at his photos and videos of us together and I can't forget.  All I have to do is hear someone mention something about him and I immediately start listening more carefully.  I want to know everything about him.  Being in his company is pleasant.  Fourth allows me to be myself.  My team says I smile more often now.  You can also see a change among my fans.  I expected many negative comments, I expected that they would not accept us, that they would point fingers at us and ridicule us.  I expected that as we got closer, people would notice and try to destroy it.  It's strange, but nothing like that happened.

Fourth sometimes mentions how he wants to be my boyfriend, but I know he's only doing it because he was told to.  This is our job.  That's why I always answer him in a joking tone, I don't reject him, but I never confirm him either.  I don't want to hurt him and I don't want him to hurt me.

You know what's the worst?

I guess it was when I kissed him and he didn't push me away that I really felt like maybe we could be together.  I can't and I don't even try to forget anymore.  Fourth said he just wanted to practice the kissing scene because that was the scene we were going to shoot, but the more I think about it, the more I analyze it, the more I think it's not true.  He wanted it too, I saw it in his eyes, I felt it when he responded to my kiss, he could have pushed me away.

I told Dunk about it, I couldn't help myself.  I felt it weighing more and more on me.  Pond already knows this, but he hasn't given me any smart advice.  According to him, I should give Fourth a chance.  Dunk sees it differently.  My brother thinks it's just a job, that Fourth is just joking, but at the same time that there's nothing wrong with trying, but I think he says that because he's with First himself now...

I fell in love.

That's what he told me.  And what now?  Should I tell Fourth?  What if he doesn't feel the same?  What if he rejects me?  Sure, he wouldn't be the first to do it, but... I don't know if I'm ready for it.  I still remember mom and dad.  They used to be so happy and in love with each other, and then everything collapsed.  It still hangs over me like a curse, a curse that I can't get rid of.

I can't help but think about him anymore.  My fans also increasingly catch me mentioning it countless times during the livestream.  Yesterday it was funny because Fourth wasn't with me at the fanmeeting and someone watched the entire video for fun and counted that I mentioned his name 48 times in just an hour.  Not a bad result.  But I can't help it, he's so funny!  For example, when Fourth gets stressed (he's not used to public speaking, so it happens very often), he repeats one and the same word over and over until someone finally notices it and points it out to him, which stresses him out even more, and the more  The more Fifs tries to concentrate on not repeating the same word, the more he repeats it, and then he gets angry with himself in such a very cute way and then he looks like a small, fluffy, soft kitten who thinks he's dangerous, and then he does.  it really is adorable.

Oh.

Oh no.

What did I write?!

I should delete it, but... But it sounds so nice and... And I feel bad deleting it.  I hope whoever reads this one day will forgive me for this mutt-in-love phase.  Maybe one day it will go away and I will be normal again.  I'm just not sure if I want to be normal anymore.  The way it is now, it's quite good.  Why change it?