Unapologetically

chapter five

"Kuch khao ge nahi."

The voice was warm and gentle. A comforting hand running through his messy hair. Ever since his mom had left him, no one had been able to get it under control.

"Nahi. Mama kab arahi hain?" He looked up at the woman with wide, anxiety filled eyes.

She was pretty, and nice. He had always liked her. But now her presence was signifying that something had happened. Something bad.

The woman smiled, her full lips curving upwards slightly. "Mama apko ab jannat mein milegi. Aur udhar se koi apko alag nahi karega."

He didn't understand. She didn't expect him to. She kissed the top of his head and he wrapped his arms around her midriff.

"Aap toh nahi chali jaogi?"

"Kabhi bhi nahi, meri jaan. Chachi hamesha apne bete ka khyal rakhein gi."

He awoke with sweat, panting. He could still smell her perfume. The perfume that had calmed him, that had comforted him. The weight of her hand on his head. The way she had a new story to divert his mind away from his parents' accident. He promised himself he'd visit her grave today.

He wiped the sweat off his forehead and grabbed his phone from the nightstand, checking the time and then laying back down. His room was dark. He was on break. Just a few days left before he began his job as a general surgeon permanently. No more teaching. No more bustling classrooms and lecture halls and annoying students and grading assignments.

Most importantly, no more dazed looks into abysses of brown. Betrayal and hurt and comfort all found in one place. Want and need and hope gone but not without a trace.

He had left the university. The term had ended. And fourth years exams were nearly finished. In an idealistic world he and his grandmother would have been preparing to ask for Marwa's hand. There would've been a spring in each step. He wouldn't have been able to control the smile on his face.

But this wasn't an idealistic world.

It hadn't been an idealistic world since his parents had died, leaving him to his uncle and aunt and grandmother. All alone in this huge house, getting lost playing by himself and having no one except his Dadi to care if he passed or failed school.

In the beginning it wasn't so bad. His Chachi was sweet and nurturing, his Chachu the father he was missing.

Lekin phir qayamat agayi thi.

He remembers standing behind the door of the kitchen that he has snuck into to grab sweets. He can remember his grandmother's booming voice as she refused to permit his Chachu and a very pretty older woman to enter.

And then his Chachi had killed herself. And he wouldn't understand why until years later. Why her husband that had claimed to love her wouldn't even come to her funeral. To this day he had no idea where he went. But he did know who that woman was.

Lubna Hameed.

///

It was the last exam and she could feel her breath return to her as she walked out of the hall, question paper in hand. Fourth year was done. One more year to go. Just one more.

Phir cheezein badal jaye gi. Phir yeh bhoj halka ho jayega thodha sa.

She knew she would pass. Those days were gone when she had only her exams to worry about. Nowadays, there was so much to think about, to stress over, that she couldn't add undue anxiety to the list. She had studied, Allah would not let it go to waste.

She thought about getting a new job during her ride back home in the rickshaw. She had already worked the cafe and they had made it very clear they wouldn't hire her. Maybe she could tutor? She was always good at English and reading.