REGRET🏎️[2]

7:00

AMELIA

"as we come through the McLaren paddock,we see the McLaren line up for this year about to hop in the cars and ready for testing!!"

I hear Arthur say as I tighten my helmet around my face,merely seeing his body as he walks past the McLaren garage.Testing was about to start and I'm not sure I've ever been this nervous in my life.I'm sat in a formula one car.my formula one car,a McLaren.I'm sat in a seat that determines my income,my career and most of all my talent.

"We are finally back from the winter break,let's see what these cars can do"I slightly hear over the radios,adjusting myself Into the car.

Weight.A key factor to be a driver,your weight helps to the performance of the car.

"you all good in there?"Andrew asks me,landos engineer.

I watch as Lando hops into the car besides me giving a small thumbs up to Andrew as he makes his way past me.

the car isn't the best,it's slow.very slow. the straights are the hardest to get through,I watch the two redbulls past me as if I was at a walking pace.

"we're really slow on the straight" i radio Jack.

"we can see that Amelia,we're gonna call you back in after a couple laps,try to push this next lap so we can see something"

___ \ō͡≡o˞̶ ____ \ ō͡≡o˞ ̶ ...

I can feel my alarm vibrate through the hotel room,waking me up as the sun arises.
It's 7am and the race is at night so I've got a whole day to stress through.

a whole week after testing and our car isn't looking any better,in fact I don't know what chances we have to battle for fourth anymore.

my head is racing,everything with lando in the past year,my dad,my mum it's all too much for me but I can't let it stop me from racing,not when I've been given this opportunity.

I think slowly I'm moving on from the burden of the absence of my father,slowly and painfully.

He wasn't around much as a child but I really thought we would build our relationship back or atleast have a chance to live our lives together. I never thought we would be apart not like this,although it isn't a shock but the disappointment kicks deep.

I should feel ashamed for what I did to him,embarrassing his image like that by moving to McLaren but then again I think to myself I had no other choice.

if I wanted to make myself a life in this society,the formula one community,I shouldn't be ashamed of how far I've come especially as a woman,especially as his daughter.

However my mothers absence is different as I slowly realise all the things she won't be able to do with me or watch me do,she's never going to see me win a Grand Prix,which I hope I can achieve,she's never gonna eat lunch with me again.

I won't even know the colour of her socks today or anyday in the future.

the knowledge that everyday for the next couple of months all I will know of is everything she is missing by not being here.
Everything she didn't get to live for and it hurdles me into this spiral where my brain can't think of anything else but her.

however,in my early life I learned to not let anything stop me from passing my day to day life no matter how big or small the inconvenience is and sadly this feeling will bare with me for a long long time before it's something my heart is used too.

I don't want to be used too it,the killing of her vacancy, the lingering thought that she is no longer far from home but I have to move on,I spent the last couple weeks crying,grieving,allowing all my emotions out before this.before one of the most important days of my life.

"Amelia Wolff flying corners on testing day number two,maybe the McLaren and the girl do have a chance!!"

a headline from one of the articles I read yesterday morning,I have hope in myself but the feeling of doubt can't seem to leave my body,what if this isn't what I was made for,what if my father was right?

I feel a slight tap on my body.

"your shaking Mercedes."his voice quiet to my ears...