febuwhump day 1
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The car stopped, leaving Seonghwa breathless. There were so many things on his mind - it almost mimicked the fast whir of the streets when the car was moving. But now that the car was still, he was painfully aware of his thoughts. His mind was spinning.
For the last little while, these weird thoughts had crept into his mind. All the time, he found himself worrying about unlikely things. And most of them concerned himself. Whether or not he looked presentable enough. Whether or not he smelled good enough. He forgot to lather soap on his toes yesterday, could anybody notice?
Whether or not he was keeping up with the rest of the team. It was driving him insane.
And yet, he tried to keep a calm demeanour for the rest of the group. If he showed the slightest bit of weakness, people would pounce all over him, and he would add more worries to their plates.
He could deal with this by himself. Totally.
Taking a deep breath, he got out of the car. The streets were deserted. He thanked the driver.
His next deep breath felt painful. Slowly, Seonghwa walked up the stairs to the front door of the studio and slipped inside. Gosh, this was going to be a disaster.
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"Seonghwa, higher, higher."
He nodded automatically at the vocal trainer's words. Higher, higher, his voice needed to go higher, damn it.
His throat hurt.
"Your throat shouldn't be hurting. Singing shouldn't be painful. It should feel like a workout, but not like stepping on Lego."
Fuck. Seonghwa swallowed. He tried to engage his core or support or whatever. But trying that only made his neck hurt.
If he couldn't get his voice higher, he was going to delay the recording, if he delayed the recording, he would delay the choreography, if he delayed that, he would-
"Seonghwa," the trainer said.
He blinked. He hadn't realized that he'd zoned out.
"You okay?"
With great effort, he raised his head to make eye contact. In the trainer's eyes, he only saw care. Everyone cared. It was just... he was overwhelmed and couldn't do it.
"I'm good," he managed to mumble.
"Good. Just remember, this part is hard, so it will take some time to be able to do it. That's okay! Even professionals need time to learn."
Not as long as I do though, Seonghwa thought.
Trying to silence his mind, he tried to start singing again. His voice came out terribly flat. He swallowed and tried to push past the discomfort.
He couldn't do this anymore.
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The thoughts followed him to the dinner table. Yunho had ordered takeout from some random place. It was supposed to be good, Seonghwa knew that, but it felt dry and cold. The meat barely went down his throat. Every time he swallowed, he felt like he was choking.
But still, he tried to keep a light smile on his face for the others. They were all cheerful and happy. Mingi was telling some story, and they were all laughing along. Seonghwa was sure he'd already heard the story somewhere. It was still supposed to be entertaining.
Instead, his thoughts returned to the topicless wandering of his mind. It was like there was a black hole inside his head, sucking in every rational thought and leaving only darkness behind.
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