random TSS oneshots (and SSO-)

mUSHROOMS

It was a late afternoon, and Red was sitting on the dirt ground of his makeshift camp. He didn't typically leave his lab, but he was out of of mushrooms again. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

He had been looking for mushrooms, but had eaten pretty much all of the ones in the swamp around him already. And hey, who could blame him? They were good. He had probably developed some sort of immunity to whatever poisons he invited into his system through the fungi, anyway. And, by his luck, he had found a skeleton horse wandering around like a helpless idiot. Since Red had rid the swampy land of mushrooms and had nothing else to eat, he planned on making pork bone soup out of it.

The horse neighed in its cage, seemingly rather content and chill for being on its deathbed. Poor thing. At least its suffering would come to an end. In his stomach. Yum.

Then he heard voices close by. It would've caught him off guard if he was busy, but sitting on the dirty ground of the swamp waiting for the pork to cook wasn't exactly busy.

"Wait- do you see that-?" People were coming this way. Oh, great. Red loved people. People were his absolute favorite thing.

...yeah, he was a goddamn liar.

The voices turned the corner of a tree and stared at him. One was weird and rainbow colored—clearly a Steve, but rainbow for some reason? How weird—and the other was a Blue Steve. Blue Steves. They were great. Funny guys. Incredibly entertaining. The two froze when they saw him, eyeing him down. The rainbow one turned to his friend with a smile. "It's okay. I'll talk to him. It'll be easy breezy."

Red watched them from the floor of the swamp, wondering if maybe he should get up. Hold up the unavoidable conversation like a normal person. But the rainbow one was already standing above him, smiling down at him. No point in getting up and bonking heads now.

"Hi there. I noticed, well- my friend and I noticed you have a skeleton horse. Rather rare in these parts, huh?" His smile was gross and forced. Felt almost condescending. Not that he wasn't used to it, being a red steve, but it wasn't exactly nice. He kept his answers short.

"Yep. Gonna eat it."

The rainbow kid, man, guy, boy, thing (Red was unsure of age. He looked simultaneously 12, 17 and 24.) nearly choked at that. "E-eat it? The- the bones? That doesn't sound very- tasty. Or nutritious." The blue steve in the back tapped his foot against the dirt like they were in a rush, which Red found a bit annoying. Calm your shit, dude. The world isn't ending.

"Makes pork & bone soup." Red pointed at the pork skewered over the fire to prove his point. The rainbow Steve just swallowed anxiously.

"Yeah, well...aren't there other things you can eat? Pork...pork is fine, but... bones? There's gotta be better things out there!"

"'m all out of mushrooms." He shrugged.

"We can get you mushrooms!!" The rainbow one squeaked. He turned to his friend, bouncing on his heels like he really was running out of time. What was with this duo and being all anxious and speedy? "Right, Blue?"

The Blue Steve nodded in agreement, and the rainbow one jumped up and ran towards him, dragging him into the swamp. "We'll get you mushrooms, so don't eat the horse!! Please!!" They were both long gone in seconds.

Still, Red could hear the Blue Steve mutter, "jeez, he talks real well for a red steve..."

"Jeez". How annoying.

Buuuut, the idea of a nice mushroom stew right about now was too good to pass on. And maybe if he was full, he could actually collect mushrooms to eat back at home without eating them then and there like a starving idiot. Bones weren't too filling. Pork was fine, pork was good. No one ever bashed pork, because there's nothing to bash. It's pork. It's yum.

Mushrooms were better, though. Mushrooms were like a surprise. Sometimes you enjoyed a nice treat, sometimes you got poisoned, and sometimes you got high as a kite. It was like gambling. Ooh, he liked gambling too. Not that there was much to gamble on in the woods and in the swamp. Boo, his life was so boring now. He needed to get back to his potions and his end crystal, this darn fresh air was polluting his brain.

Jeez, now Red was hungry for mushrooms. Hopefully he wouldn't have to wait much. If they took too long, he might just have slaughtered the horse out of boredom.

The undead horse neighed at him, its bones clanking a bit. Damn thing. It would've been a decent meal. But, in the end, he liked mushrooms better. And who was he to pass up a free meal?

It took the strange duo, like, an hour. How annoying. What was keeping them, anyways?

When they did come back, they were still acting like they were in some desperate rush, like the world was ending. They nearly threw the mushroom stew into his hands. "Can- can we take the horse now?! It's kinda important!!"

Red stuck a finger up in the air, shushing them. He grabbed the wooden spoon and took a sip.

Not bad. A little cold, but not bad. He wasn't against cold stew. Not at all. It was yum. Red gave them a thumbs up, swallowing it down and shoving more into his mouth.

Immediately upon seeing his approval, the rainbow one dashed to the horse's cage, breaking down the bars and pulling it out. "C'mon, Merv! Quick! Your owner misses you!" He was smiling at the horse like it could understand him. Could horses understand steves? Well, it wasn't Red's business. The most he cared for the horse was what it tasted like.

The Blue Steve stood there, watching the rainbow with a loving expression on his face. Maybe some crush? Ha.

Well, anyways, the two got to standing next to each other, horse in tow. "Thanks for, um...letting us have the horse. And not screaming at us." Rainbow gave him a thumbs up. "We're kind of in a rush, though...fate of the world, and all that. Hope you understand. Thanks!!"

And then they ran off. What a weird day.

Red needed to get back to his lab. Seriously, he was going insane. The light of day was a curse, truly. He needed to be back in his basement where the only light was unnatural and 200 volt light bulbs. Screw the outside world.

Five hours. That's how long he got to be alone.

It turned out that Red and the strange duo went the same way. And he just so happened to walk in on them getting their asses handed to them by some random dark looking steve. What a drag.

Yeah, he saved them. What else was there to do? Walk on by like a loser? Nah, he had to flaunt his powers. And they, well- they were all surprised. Dark Steve left in tears like a little baby, and rather than getting to dip and disappear, he was bombarded with "how did you do that?!" "Thanks for saving us!!" "I've never seen a red steve do that before!!" And all the like. What a drag.

He had to put it off for later, pulling that "I'll explain some other time" bullshit. He had no plans of seeing them again, obviously. He had no plans of seeing anyone again. Oh, Origin, he was about to lock himself in his basement and never come out. The idea sounded lovely. Unfortunately, he was stuck with a pair of awestruck, confused losers for quite a while. What a drag.

Eventually they left him alone. He walked backwards slowly as they conversed, and eventually they got the hint and ended that boring conversation. Finally, Red was free.

Only two months later Rainbow showed up at his doorstep again with a brand new friend. Damn it.

Notes: Professor red totally isn't my favorite SSO character, what?