Downpour✔️

|1|The breakdown

"Trust is important, some trust in many and some only trust in a few. The only thing that stays the same is when trust gets broken it always hurts...sometimes kills from the inside coming from those the closest to you"

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Pain....

Pain spreads through my heart as I blink away the tears while my heart aches so badly. I swallow down the large lump in my throat as a sob leaves my lips that I muffle with my hand over my mouth as tears stream down my face.

I can't even process the anger as all I can feel is pain and hurt from the betrayel mixing with the sadness. Never in a million years have I ever expected this, not from him, not from the person I promised my heart to and who told me that he loved me with every single cell in his body.

Why....why why why.....

My hands shake as I hold back myself from screaming. The messeges are enough evidence that I need and the look on his face said it all. It was true and nothing anyone else could say would make me believe otherwise when I saw the way his eyes fell on the evidence and he told me he was sorry.

Lies....all useless lies

Sorry is a word used for simple apologies. When killing someone you don't simply say sorry and expect to let other people know you mean it. You don't break someone's trust so badly that it burns into their heart and say sorry like you didn't expect it to hurt them.

How can be even say those two small words after killing something inside of me? It's just an insult to me, to my heart, to my promises, to our memories, to our relationship and to me.

My worth isn't meassured up to two words after breaking my heart like that making me feel disgusted in the hands that touched my face with such tenderness and softness. The same hands that held my hands so preciously as he slipped on the engagement ring and proposed to me whispering the words that I loved most in the world.

'I love you so much, my future with you in is the only future I want and need, I love you endlessly'

Such strong words for such empty promises. I wasn't the only one in his future. I wasn't the only one those hands held after those words and I wasn't the only one to have felt his affection.

I wasn't the only one.....

I slam my fist into my chest as my heart burns from the hurt before shaking my head as my skin feels uncomfortable at every image going through my mind just thinking of it. Of just knowing what happened and I feel disgusted and nausious. Every inch of my skin wants to be peeled off at the thought and I just want to throw up so badly knowing I felt touches that held deep secrets and touched another so intimitely.

I wish I felt more angry than heartache, I really wish I could but I feel so betrayed that I can't even process it. Nobody can answer me if I ask how we ended up here because nobody would have been able to see it coming.

I should have known from the small difference in how he acted. From the difference in how his closest friend stopped coming near our house this last week and stopped speaking to me.

Stupid...

I feel so stupid and naïve. A few years ago and even a few months ago, weeks ago, hours ago, I would have stayed with my honest words saying that if my partner ever cheated on me I would leave them without a single tear or single doubt. Just walk out and cut them off.

In the past I always wondered if I just said it so easily because I didn't experience it or because I couldn't see it possibly happen to me with a man I made sure would never do it to me before giving my heart to him and opening a space in my heart for him.

Maybe I was living too much in a fairytale believing I found the one who would never hurt me on purpose or never hurt me too badly but all the lies overshadow the promise. The promise of commitment I take so seriously shattered without a second thought.

It doesn't matter who it was with, it doesn't matter if he was dead drunk or sober when he did it. All that matters is that he didn't come home that night and didn't respect me enough to leave me before hurting me.

I would have been hurt but betrayel hits sharply thinking of him. I don't believe I did something to deserve this at all but now I'm stuck with it all crashing into me. I love him so much it makes my heart bleed knowing he is the same person I can't see without thinking of his betrayel. Everyone thought he was good for me and I believed we only shared true smiles with each other but it seems those were lies too.

The question as to why is something I don't even want to know. Why hurt me like this? Would there even be a reason? Would I even want to hear the excuses and hear his voice out?

The man I love is now only a memory, the smile I loved is only a lie, the special touches are tortured tears streaming down my face, the soft whispers are pained cries and screams leaving my mouth, the loving eyes are empty and filled with regret and my heart that was brimmed to the fullest with love and happiness is now empty and trying to cope with the fact that the man I love is the cause of this pain.

2 years of friendship for nothing...3 years of dating for nothing....4 months engaged for nothing.....

All for a girl he met at a bar after work he ruined our future and I don't think it will ever be the same again for either of us.

Forgiving might never come...and I don't want to....I don't want to forgive

I cover my face with my hands curling into myself as I try to comfort myself knowing he has left after the confrontation and won't come back tonight. He most likely went to go to one of his friends' houses or to a hotel but honestly I don't care if he sleeps outside.

The Kim Seokjin I knew is no more....

Everything is faded...and colour is drained from my heart...all because of him