Downpour✔️

|2|The memories

"People usually keep memories as a keepsake for the future where they look back feeling happy, proud, sad at the times that passed or even embarrassed but most of my beautiful memories are now painted in red from the blood of my heart...I only wish to erase them...just like my love"

○●○

Everything is different....

I stare at my apartment door clutching the doorknob while my eyes trail towards every single thing in the apartment as I close my eyes for a few seconds trying to ground myself and fight against the urge to turn around and lock the door for another day.

It's been a week, a week of sleepless nights, a week of leaving my own apartment to stay at my parents house after telling them, a week of no smiles, a week of not seeing our shared friends or my own seperate friends, a week of drowning in my tears and anger and a week of not seeing him at all.

I couldn't stay here even if he left first. It was too painful to be alone and too painful to be surrounded by everything that changed since we started living together and it was- is too much for me to face after everything.

Honestly it just feels unreal, it feels almost like I am supposed to take a few more steps into the apartment to find it all to have been an awful nightmare and see Seokjin dancing along to a silly video on the TV or in the kitchen with his focus on making us dinner or sitting on the couch watching a movie waiting for me to join in.

Staring at the apartment I can't seem to recognise it as the same place where we built all our memories seeing the dull way it looks with only silence surrounding me. The darkness makes it feel like it is holding more onto the dark cloud that filled this place even though I know the only reason it is so dark is because I still haven't switched on the lights.

A part of me doesn't want to switch it on, with the natural light still bright enough from it being in the light afternoon I'm still able to see the outline of everything and recognise details from the things around the room.

Turning on the light means facing it all truly and I'm still scared of the memories that have been popping uo in my mind recently. I feel so alone in the constant fight with my mind and heart and with nobody really supporting me in choosing either side it makes me realise I'm so close to breaking down mulitiple times during the day.

Yet nobody will truly understand will they....

They understand the idea of it and the hurt of it but they don't understand being hurt by him. It's selfish to feel this way since there were many people hurt the same way by their most trusted loved ones but I can't help but feel heart-numbingly betrayed since he was someone I comsidered my own soulmate no matter how cliche it sounded.

I feel the constant shift in my mind wishing I could know what he is doing at the moment. A part of me knows he is at his friends' houses but another toxic part of me keeps thinking he is out somewhere with someone else because why would he not after what he did.

No...no I need to stop hurting myself...

Closing my eyes I take a few deep breaths resting my empty hand against the cold wall as my other hand drops my bag slowly on the floor. It takes a few seconds before I open my eyes again and this time I move my hand with a small shake making it's way into my fingers before switching on the light blinking rapidly to adjust to the light at the same moment as my heart squeezes as a certain memory hits me instantly.

"Rina honey you're home! It feels like years since I've last seen you! The kids are going to be so excited to see you home after your long day in the office and I think our youngest Kookie baby had a diaper accident so you have perfect timing plus as your house husband I must say I am succeeding"