camden; nick sturniolo

can't picture anything past 25

TW: panic attack, eating disorder

A few hours later i heard a knock on my door. "Come in" i say as i paused RuPaul on my TV. Chris comes into my room with a can of Pepsi in his hand. "We wanted to go and eat something, you coming?" He asks and looks at my TV. "Yeah, sure. I'll be done in a minute" I say as i stand up from my bed and turn of the TV.

Matt, Chris and Me are currently sitting in our minivan and are debating where to eat. I'm not saying anything though because i really don't want food. I have to keep my process up so i don't gain any weight. My thoughts are all over the place and that Chris has his music blasting and that Matt and him are arguing doesn't make it any better. I'm getting more anxious the longer i think about food and my breathing begins to pick up. "shit, not now please. I can't be getting a panic attack rn" The only thing I hear are muffled voices and the pounding in my head. "Make it stop please" i whimper as my hands pull on my hair. "-ick! Nick, hey" Chris is standing beside me outside the car trying to get me to look at him. "It's okay Nick, you're okay" He says as he looks at me worried. He takes my hands so they can't pull on my hair anymore and places one of them on his heart. "Breathe with me Nick, in and out" i try to match my breathing as Chris couches me trough it. "that's it, you're doing so good" He says with a calm voice and begins to run his hands through my hair. After a few minutes my breathing is finally back to normal. I'm exhausted and could fall asleep right here. "I think we should just go home and order doordash because this is clearly not the best thing to be doing right now" I hear Chris say to Matt sounding concerned. On the ride back home Chris sits in the back with me and i lay my head on his shoulder. He starts to play with my hair again and i was trying not to drift off before we were home. I can see the worried look Matt is giving through the mirror. I really didn't want to worry them, they can't find out that I'm struggling again and especially that it's worse than the last time.

As we enter our house i make my way to the couch and lay down. I can hear Matt and Chris talking but i can't make out what they're saying. Matt walks up to me, grabs a blanket and covers me with it. "Do you know what you wanna eat yet, Nick?" He says with a small smile as he sits down at the end of the couch. This almost makes me panic again but i manage to keep myself calm.
I'm trying to think of something that doesn't have many calories. "Just order me anything with chicken" i say as i stare straight ahead. I'm really tired and just want to sleep but i know that my brothers wouldn't let me do that without me eating anything first. "Alright, it shouldn't take long for the food to come. Do you want me start RuPaul for you to watch while waiting?" He says to me as he stands up and grabs the TV remote.
"Sure, thank you" I say quietly giving him a small smile. I noticed that Matt and Chris are being more gentle with me after my panic attack minutes ago. I know that i said that they can't find out and that i need to pretend that everything is fine but right now I'm to exhausted for that, i just need to pretent I'm fine tomorrow.

We are now sitting at the table and eating our food that we ordered from doordash. I'm trying not to gag while eating my chicken but i knew that i had to eat at least a little bit so my brothers wouldn't be suspicious. After i ate almost half of it i put my fork down and look at my brothers. "I'm finished, can I go to my room? I just wanna sleep I'm really tired" i say while giving them a tired smile. "Yeah of course, sleep well Nicky" Chris say giving me his best smile which makes me laugh a little bit. "Good night Nick, you can always come to us when you need something" Matt says while rubbing my shoulder gently to bring me comfort. "Alright, night guys" i say while standing up and going up to my room. I make my way to the bathroom and place myself in front of the toilet again and make myself throw up the second time today. After I was done i changed into my pyjamas, climbed into my bed and fell sleep immediately.