The Princess's Servant

95. The Pervert

Though Holden had been feeling a little better by the time Sebastian made his visit, his encounter with his brother's servant had hit him like a kick to the groin. Holden had thrown himself on the couch and he hadn't gotten up. Not when the shadows grew long. Not when the sunlight turned golden. In fact, it wasn't until the room grew dark and Holden could no longer tell the table from the chairs that he heaved out a sigh. Outside, heavy clouds trudged overhead. Dusk was upon him.

That's when he heard it -- another knock at the door. Holden sat up, hope shining like a candle. Of course, he wanted it to be her... But it was equally likely that it was Sebastian back for seconds. Or worse, Thomas. But Holden bravely approached the door and dared to open it. 

A pale face framed by dark hair and darker clothes graced his porch. His hope reignited. "Cara!" 

She stepped inside. "Hey." She smiled as he lit the lantern in the kitchen. "How... are ya?" As excited as Cara was to see her prince, she couldn't be sure of what Sebastian had told him. He could have spilled her secret, for all she knew, although Holden's excited demeanor suggested otherwise.

"Better now that you're here," he beamed. "How was the market?"

"It was good..." In the blazing light of the lantern, Cara could see the entire boat of bitenuts on the kitchen table, all of them untouched. 

Holden's attention followed hers. "Oh," he said. " Those. I was going to eat them. I just... Well, Sebastian's poisoned me before, and I didn't want to chance it. So it's nothing against you." Holden leaned against the kitchen counter. "Just everything against him."

Cara thought back to the end of their interaction at the market. How she'd told Sebs that the bitenuts were for Holden, and how he'd practically wrestled her for them. "I did find it strange that he insisted on bringing them to you himself..." she mused aloud.

"Euch." A disgusted noise. "I'm sorry you had to meet him. I was hoping you might never meet, but that's Sebastian for you. He always finds a way to make your day... worse."

Cara crossed her arms. "He didn't... Make your day too much worse, did he? He didn't do or say anything weird?"

"No." A lie. Holden didn't even register the lie until after it'd left his mouth. "I mean— He always says weird stuff, but I've learned to ignore it. It's just his way of trying to get in my head."

Cara watched Holden for any sign of dishonesty, but she came up empty.

"Did he... say anything weird to you?" the prince asked her.

Cara smiled in reply. "Other than practically demanding that he hand over the food you asked me to bring? Fortunately, no." 

Holden smiled back at her briefly, but then his face darkened as he thoughts turned elsewhere. 

Cara thought she might know what -- or who -- he might be thinking of. "I'm just sorry you had to deal with him. It's been a pretty rough day for you, huh?"

Holden pushed himself away from the counter. "Gods, you could say that again." He sat himself in one of the dining room chairs. 

Cara pulled out a chair next to him and followed his lead. She watched his distant gaze and tried to glean what might lie behind his eyes. Attempted telepathy. Unsuccessful. But then... As his friend... Perhaps there was an easier method of divination. "Anything you want to talk about?" Cara asked. And she thought that might have been the first time she'd ever muttered those words.

Holden folded his arms and slouched onto the table. "What's there to say?" A shrug. "I like someone I don't want to like. The end."

Cara tried to tamp down the jolt that ran through her. She hoped the relative darkness they sat in obscured her surprise. "You like Sybil?"

"Yep."

"Princess Sybil?"

"Yeah. Pretty sad, huh?"

"No. Er-- Maybe? It's just--" Get it together.  Cara took in breath and tried to think before speaking this time. "I thought you hated her," she said.

Holden slumped farther. "I should," he told her. "And maybe part of me does. But most of me just... Wants to be with her. Even though that's also the last thing I'd ever want."

Incredibly, Sybil thought she could understand. "I... I get that," she told him.

"You do?" The prince turned his head to her. His expression was a mix of disbelief and cautious optimism.

"Sure, I've felt that way before. Loving someone I wanted to hate."

Holden perked up at this. He even sat up a little. "You have? Who?" 

Sybil had not been prepared for that question. She looked at him the way deer had often looked at her and her father when they were out for a hunt. Wide-eyed. Frozen.

The prince sat up and unconsciously matched her expression. "You don't have to tell me." He felt bad for even asking. It had been an automatic question, and perhaps an insensitive one. "But... I would like to know... How did you deal with it?"

That look of fright left Cara's eyes and she seemed to slump a little. "Not very well at first," she said. "I tried to avoid the feeling, tried to ignore it; tried waiting it out. In the end, none of that worked, so I just... Gave up. I let myself like him, even when liking him felt like insanity."

Give up? Holden hadn't known that was an option. "And that did it?" he asked.

"It stopped me from going completely insane," she offered him. "We don't get to choose who we like. But we do get to decide what sort of treatment we accept from others. I chose to accept my desires, however perverted they may have seemed." May still be, Sybil's mind corrected, but she did not say those words out loud.

A teasing smile crossed Holden's lips. He didn't say anything.

And for one very foolish moment, Sybil wondered if he had read her mind. But then she realized that was impossible and what he was really poking fun at her for was... 

Cara blushed. Hard. "I didn't mean-- What I meant to say was... I'm not perverted." Which wasn't really true, but it felt like the sort of thing you had to say after accidentally admitting to something like that. 

"Hey, your secret's safe with me," Holden grinned and Cara couldn't help but reflect his smile. Joy was infectious the way cruelty was. "It's almost dark," he told her, sitting up. "But... Being inside all day, I sort of want to get out of here. I know an archery range they light at night. If you wanted... Maybe you could show me a trick or two?"

Cara nodded. "I'd like that."

"Then let's go do that," Holden said, standing from his chair. "Pervert."

"Oh, takes one to know one," Cara poked and for one beating, fleeting moment, Cara reminded Holden the slightest bit of her third cousin Sybil. 

But he didn't want to think on her now, and dismissed the thought as family resemblance. 

And so the two of them stepped out into the night, lantern in hand. And Cara was so delighted that when she thought she saw a flash of silver hair leaving their porch, she chalked it up to nothing more than the mind playing tricks.