The Princess's Servant

97. Acquired Taste

Content warning. Exact themes listed in the comments.

The princess smiled brightly, but soon her smile began to fade. There were thick clouds on the horizon and the wind began to pick up. She could ask him something playful like he had tried to ask her: "How did you become so charming?" or "Why do you know the names of all the stars?" or "How do you make me so happy that I could die and be disappointed with heaven?" But the more Sybil thought about it, the more she realized that there was only one question she really wanted to ask. Only one question was stamped in the back of her mind.

"Is she really everything to you?"

Holden's breath stopped in his throat. For a moment, Cara feared she'd gone too far and wondered if she should take it back. But then his adam's apple dipped and he offered her a nervous smile. "I can answer that," he told her. "But I'mma need a drink first." The champagne bottle was empty, so he cracked open a bottle of red wine. He poured himself a glass, and offered her some as well. She accepted, but when he knocked back the glass, she only pretended to drink.

"When I first met her," Holden began, "I was young. Really young. And I just thought she was incredible, you know? In the way little kids think flowers are incredible; the sky is incredible. She was this concept to me that contained all the light and love I'd ever hoped for and then some. Because I didn't know her, she was this blank ceiling for me, on which I could envision all my desires. And that was great. Until... Until I met her. For the second time.

"She was nothing I thought she'd be. She was not light or love. She was not gentleness or warmth. But after all that time, I still had feelings for her. And I thought... Maybe if I treat her with kindness, eventually she'll do the same for me. It was naive. More than naive— It was dangerous thinking. And over a long period of time, I came to realize that I could have all the feelings in the world for her, but she'd never have feelings for me. And, well, even the feelings I did have..." Holden withdrew a paper from his pocket. Cara recognized the paper instantly as the kind that was in his diary.

"What's that?" Cara felt the need to ask, though she was fairly certain she already knew.

He held it in and hand and a breeze swept across the two of them. Heavy clouds hung on the horizon. Holden handed her the slip.

"Read it," he told her. She took it in her hand. Brushing her finger along the edge of the rough paper, she unfolded it out.

"KILL ME"

In bold marks across the center of the page.

"KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME"

There wasn't an inch of space left. Every corner, every crevice of the page had been inked with these words.

"KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME"

Sybil felt the breath catch in her chest, and she felt herself drift very far away. She was transfixed, looking at those words; she could not look away.

"...I wrote that the day I returned from Lailoy," Holden told her. "And when I returned from Lailoy, that's how I felt. That's how I always feel when I'm around her. As though I'm not a person. Like I'm just some thing. So no matter how much I care for her... No matter how much I wish she'd care for me back, Sybil isn't capable of treating me the way I need to be treated. And because of that, we can't be."

"Oh," was all Sybil could say. "I see."

Holden took in breath and leaned back a bit. "I'm going to ask her tomorrow if we can see other people," he said. "I don't care who she ends up with anymore, but... I want to be free to find love. In a way, I think finding love is all I've ever wanted."