BEFORE

Chapter 22

JACK

I was numb.

Physically. Emotionally. I couldn't feel a thing as I trudged inside. I mechanically peeled off my wet T-shirt, jeans and jocks, and toweled off.

Jess had gone.

And I'd ended things between us in the worst possible way.

I'd mulled long and hard during the hour-long return journey to Cooweer. I'd been a prick for weeks, alternating between flirting and pushing her away. Wasn't her fault I'd grown a conscience at the ripe old age of twenty.

My recent choices to lead a better life had inadvertently affected her, so I'd wanted to do things right. I'd planned on writing everything down in a letter and giving it to her to read later. That way, if she wanted to keep in touch like I planned on doing with Reid, it would be her choice.

But I'd shot that to shit by finally giving in to my baser instincts and kissing her.

Fuck, it had been the best damn kiss of my life.

Sweet and sensual and so damn erotic I was still hard.

And the fallout would be catastrophic, because I'd never be able to get her out of my head now.

I wanted more. I wanted all of her.

So I settled for doing whatever I could to rectify the shitty situation I'd created.

I pulled on sweatpants, grabbed the pen and notepad I used to jot down recipes when I brainstormed, and sat on the couch.

School hadn't been high on my list of priorities as a kid and shifting around between foster families ensured I didn't stay in one place long enough to build a solid education. So the fact I wanted to make the effort to write to Jess showed just how much she meant to me.

I chewed the end of the pen and stared at the blank paper, willing my jumbled thoughts to coalesce into something that would make sense. But the harder I focused the more the words in my head scrambled, so I settled for being blunt and writing exactly how I felt.

Dear Jess,

I'm sorry I screwed up so bad. You were right. I'm shit scared by how you make me feel. Confused and terrified, yet happy. I've never been happier than this past month, when we've hung out together. You make me laugh. And you've got a smart mouth, one that I finally got to kiss today.

God, you have no idea how badly I've wanted to do that. And more. Because despite pushing you away, mostly for your own good, I've wanted to be your first lover. That night in the tent? I heard you and I wanted to be the one to finger your clit. To go down on you. To lick you until you screamed my name. I wanted to slide my hard cock inside you and fuck you all night long.

But I made a choice not long before you arrived that I wouldn't be that guy anymore. The kind of guy who has casual sex and seeks short-term solutions without thought for the future.

Thanks to your brother, I now have a future. I'm going to do my apprenticeship. Get my own restaurant one day. Make him proud of me. And make me proud of me.

Because that's the thing, Jess. I've always felt like a loser. I've been told it often enough growing up and after I while, guess I started to believe it. I've spent the last few years running. Running from my past. Running from my own insecurities.

But I finally took a stand recently and unfortunately, you've borne the brunt of it.

Me not sleeping with you has got nothing to do with how desirable you are as a woman or how naive. You're a huge turn on, Jess. Huge. I want you so much you make me ache. This has all been about me, not you.

I don't believe in making promises or dreaming the impossible dream. But know this.

I'll never forget you, Jess.

Ever.

And who knows, one day you may stroll into a Sydney restaurant and want to give the chef your compliments with a kiss reminiscent of the one we shared today.

You're the most incredible woman I've ever met.

Love always,

Jack xx

I reread the letter and almost screwed it into a ball. It was crap. But it was from my heart and I wanted Jess to know the truth. She didn't deserve to be jerked around the way I'd done with her.

Feeling like a schmuck, I folded it carefully and slid it into my pocket. I'd give it to her just before she got in the car and tell her to wait until she had a private moment to read it. Last thing I wanted was Reid looking over her shoulder on the plane or worse, having to console her if she fell apart.

The letter crinkled in my pocket as I stood, a testament to the young woman who'd stolen my heart without trying.