How did it turn out like this?

Realistation is the hardest part.

Sometimes I don't want to believe it happened. I don't want to believe it was real. I wish it was all just a figure of my imagination. Yet I can never escape from that hellish picture that replays in my mind, every...single...day. It's like the scene has me in a chokehold, and it tightens its grasp every minute I think about it. Sometimes I just lay in my bed, in the cold darkness, and let it consume me. Despite Isayah's absence, I still feel safe. I still feel real. But why can't my mind feel the same? Even when Xander's around, I still feel like that scene is the only thing I have of my life. People have always told me they thought I was unable to smile, I guess I never properly noticed it until Isayah was gone. I just feel guilty. I feel like...I should have confessed my feelings to him sooner...

I paused in the middle of the street and messaged Xander. 'Hey, I know I said I would come to your house for a while but I'm just not up for it today, is that okay?' I pressed send. I turned around and sighed. 'PING' went my phone. It was Xander. 'Yea of course that's fine Rosa, I hope you feel better soon, take care' the message said. As I unlocked the door, I felt my throat tighten. My body wanted to cry, but I didn't. I took off my jacket and went upstairs to get changed into some comfortable clothes. I sat at my desk and flicked through my diary. I sat there, reading every note I had kept from him, every drawing he made for me, every memory comes back when I see it all. I re-read the first love note I had made for him. Even if he'll never get to read it, I still feel as if I need to write them.