Ava's Guarded Heart

three

Every night I dream of dad. I dream that I'm
him, the one in the wreck. The missing parts mom refuses to talk about. My dream plays out me being him, in his car, moments before crashing. I'm shouting lyrics to a song I have no idea about, some old 90s music. Than my hands lose control of the steering wheel swerving into the wrong lane causing me to crash. Everything else in the distance is white, blurred. My body feels his pain, the blood oozing out from his head, it feels real. All my ears hear is shattered glass & distorted music while his head rests on the steering wheel. My body finally bolts up when he becomes lifeless, when his loses conscience.

Where is the other person?

The back of my neck is dripping sweat & my arms feel damp. My breathing is heavy & I look around my room confused, confused why mom hasn't told me if the other person is in jail, if they survived. It worries me, why am I dreaming dads the one losing control of the car when mom specifically told me it wasn't him. Why is my brain portraying dad to be the bad guy? He was a hero, he couldn't possibly put anyones life at risk.

Is she lying to me?
What happened to dad?
Was he drunk?

Tears fill my eyes but they don't fall, I search for my phone buried in between my light pink sheets but it's no where to be found.

It's still somewhat dark out, my head hurts. I drag myself out of bed heading downstairs to get a glass of water. I see faint TV lights coming from the living room as I'm making my way down.

Moms up too?

I step down from the last step looking into the living room, moms slouched over sleeping on the couch. I look at her dark brown hair covering some of her face & I feel rational again, I reassure myself that she's grieving his loss too, she wouldn't lie to me. We both loved dad too much.

Quiet walking to the kitchen, my gaze moves to the microwave seeing the time. It's currently 4:34 am & I'm wide awake. I grab a glass from the cabinet & it creeks which makes me glance over my shoulder silently trying to hear if it woke up mom, I think i'm in the clear. The glass cup is now in my hands & I make my way to the fridges water dispenser.

Mom & Dad weren't legally married, mom used to say dad didn't want labels like they didn't need a piece of paper to tell them that they were committed to each other. Which I guess makes dad romantic but why was it such a big deal?

"Bad dream?" My body jumps from sound of my mothers voice & some of the water spills from my cup.

"Jesus mom." I shout holding my chest. She turns on the kitchen light making my eyes squint.

"Why are you sleeping down here?" I ask grabbing paper towels to clean the spill.

She sighs shoving me away, snatching the paper towels from my hand.

"Rough night, I was getting ready for bed & spotted your fathers cologne." Mom shakes her head "Wasn't a good idea to spray it because I couldn't go to sleep, knowing he isn't here with us, It reminded me too much of when he was alive."

I frown while she wipes up the water I spilled.

"I had a dream about him, well a nightmare." I reply getting on my knees to help her. Her eyes are watery.

"I know hunny, you usually come down for a glass of water every time that happens, I can hear you from upstairs."

"Am I that loud?"

She chuckles, "I'm just a light sleeper, call it moms instincts."

Mom gets up to throw out the paper towels. "When you were little, you used to wonder off on your own in the middle of the night, turn on the tv hoping it wouldn't be too loud when you did. You'd get caught every time, me & your father used leave it up high on purpose."