Not a Valentine

Chapter 46

Ranger.

That was the only thing I could type out. That was the only thing I could think about in my mind after hearing what I just did. His name was just on autopilot in my mind, over and over again.

I saw him again. I saw him as the image in my dream. I have noticed different things about him now. I noticed the way his shoulders were permanently slouched and the emotion on his face before we entered. I saw just how much it changed. I saw how much it gutted him to walk into his apartment.

He said he went day to day forgetting that his brother was not here, and then it would suddenly hit him. I placed a hand on my mouth before I was going to start crying. I didn't know the length of what grief was, but was it this? The constant battle of having to go through it over and over again because our minds cannot comprehend that our loved ones are really gone? This was heartbreaking, and I felt myself tear up.

He used to call me that. I had the brightest smile on my face as he pointed to me. He was a ball of energy; he was so happy and healthy, but then he wasn't.

What happened? Do you want to tell me?

I've never told anyone. I've never shared the story of how I lost the person I loved most in the world.

Oh God, I couldn't do this. I couldn't read his every word because it was a stab to the wound in my chest. Every time I read his response; it gets worse. I didn't know if I could survive hearing his story if I couldn't stop the tears that were coming out.

But I want to tell you because I know that it will help. It will help to finally admit that he is not here and that he cannot come back.

He was turning two, and I was so excited to finally set up a party for him that he would actually enjoy. When he turned one, all he was able to do was look, but now he could actually play. I wanted it for him.

I was so excited at the prospect of throwing the best party for him when I looked over to find that he wasn't doing well. Ray, I've never felt my heart drop faster in my chest. I swear to God, I felt it in my heart. I felt that he was going to pass away; I felt it in that moment.

My brother was turning blue; he looked as if he had been stopping his time breathing. I called Nine One One as soon as I saw him, but I couldn't get a hold of them. I didn't know if it was because there was no service in my house or if they were busy, but I needed to get him to a hospital as soon as I could.

I wrapped him up in a blanket and put him in my arm, heading over to my parents room to get help. I'm pretty sure I was shouting by now, and my mind was just one mess of shouts of needing help. My parents weren't home; I couldn't be sure where they were.

So, I had no option but to try and get him to a hospital myself. I knew there was one not too far from my house, so I made sure to get extra blankets before placing him right by my shoulder. I needed to hear his breathing—as strangled as they were—to ensure he was fine.

The walk wasn't too long, and thankfully, my brother was still breathing in my ear. I didn't know how I was acting in the hospital when I arrived, but I knew I panicked. I mean, I didn't know how else to react. I'm pretty sure I yelled at the nurses that were walking by, pleading with them to help my brother.

The doctors got to my brother before anything worse could happen to him in my arms. I was shaking by the time they peeled my brother off me, and so I called my parents and asked them to come.

The four hours they hadn't made a move to come to the hospital were the worst in my life. I had never been that scared before in my life; I had never felt my heart beating widly in my chest, so loud and so hard. I had a hand in my brother's the whole time.