Not a Valentine

Chapter 31

The last couple of days have changed everything in my life. I know it's dumb; there were only a few changes in my life, but the fact is that I was a control freak. I took control of the fact that my life was the same every day. I took control of the fact that I would be able to enjoy my life without wondering what was next for me.

But I had gone back to the point in my life where I didn't know what I was going to do. I wasn't talking to Quincy now—I wasn't even sure if she wanted to ever talk to me. I didn't have a spot to sit at lunch today because, when I finally went inside after my breakup with Elijah, I found Mason sitting with Quincy. He had been listening to something Quincy was saying, his hands itching for his book but not grabbing it. I was glad that Mason had taken what I had thought of him to heart.

As for me, well, I didn't know what to do. Breaking things off with Elijah wasn't hard because we had barely started anything in between us. I was glad for that. If I had gone out with Eliha for more than a month and then found out that he wasn't the sweet person I had made him up to be in my mind, I would have been crushed. I would have felt the hurt.

But I didn't feel anything but annoyance when calling it off with Elijah. I knew that it was harsh to break things off with a guy just because of one incident, but it was an incident that involved a lot of people. It was an incident that would hurt me and the girl who had been bullied. I knew that Elijah could change, but if he could do this—let his friends terrorize a poor girl—then it would be hard.

I didn't want to spend my time with a guy who had fun bullying people. I knew that his attitude would probably stay the same if I hadn't called him out on it.

I mean, the pride on his face told me as much. The lightness in his eyes as he shared the story at the end of the way they had gone to the library during their free hour to send out Valentine's was awful to witness. It was awful to witness the pride in his face as he shared how his friends had done it as if it was the best idea they ever had.

No, I couldn't surround myself with that.

I did it once, turned into that person as well, but never again. I couldn't put myself through the heartbreak of trying to find the version of myself that wasn't corrupted and changed. It took me a good month to pull myself together and to actually see that I wasn't the version of myself that I turned out to be, and I needed to keep it. The progress I made was immense, and I couldn't let myself fall back again.

I also liked someone else. Someone whom I hadn't known that I would develop feelings for when initially replying to the valentine. It's funny; I hadn't even thought I would dare to cross the line, but as soon as he said that he wasn't interested in the girl anymore, my heart opened up to the idea. The idea of him.

And I wanted to slap myself for it. I made the mistake of liking him and telling him that much because he hadn't been replying back to me.

The principal wants to see me right after my dismissal today. I know it's regarding my website, which I have been dreading. I knew that she would call me out to talk further, considering she hadn't taken my website down yet. I was kind of keeping the fact that I was able to still use my website in the hope that I'd be able to keep it forever. But I knew that was wishful thinking.

I also knew that maybe this was a good thing. Maybe the website disappearing was good, so I won't be able to reread my text a million times to find some new flaw in my confession to Ranger.

Ranger.

I had missed him. I had missed seeing his messages on my screen, not sure if it would be a dumb one or a serious conversation we would be having. Both of those were welcoming to me. Both of those were things I wanted to participate in. And now I had nothing.