Hold me close

November 2023

November 2023

Enjoying their time off, Louis and Harry decided to get off the radar for a while. Louis had just finished his UK tour in Birmingham. Both had planned for a Caribbean Getaway after Christmas, now catching up with friends and family. In Harry's case also meeting up with his Neurologist, seeing if his medication could be optimised.

After meeting with Dr Weatherall, the consultant had suggested repeating an EEG before considering starting to inject Harry with either painkillers and steroids or Botox straight into the head and neck.

Dr Weatherall had asked if the EEG could be written under sleep deprivation and possibly a triggered migraine. It sounded uninviting for Harry. He knew how important routine had become for him to manage his attacks and breaking those just sounded terrible.

Louis as usual had been very compassionate and had taken in Harry's concern but also at the same time encouraged him to go ahead. Louis had learnt not to push Harry but to give him the time and space to come to his own conclusion, usually going with the doctor's recommendation.

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Now they found themselves at the private clinic where Harry would go through with his EEG. They had gotten up at 4am and made their way onto the ward at 4pm. First of all Harry's vital signs were checked and recorded and Harry gave consent for the EEG. Harry had to fill out a questionnaire and Dr Weatherall explained what he wanted to achieve. Get an EEG reading with him sleep deprived, possibly leading into an migraine attack or if not, he would read it as a sleep study.

Louis was allowed to stay in a room not far from Harry once Harry tried to fall asleep. In case of a migraine attack, the nursing staff would call Louis and he would be allowed to mind Harry. This had been Harry's condition as they both had become such a well oiled team dealing with Harry's pain.

Harry was starting to get ready to go to sleep by 11pm and the EEG electrodes were glued onto his scalp, multiple layers of tubular bandage put over his head to keep the electrodes secure and attaching ECG and saturation monitoring probes to Harry. Last minute instructions given to Harry before he was to try and sleep. Harry started to settle down and Louis, after placing a kiss onto his lips, left the room. He was situated across the corridor in a small room with a pull out chair. Louis guessed neither of them would get a good night's sleep.

Harry lay in the hospital bed staring up onto the white ceiling. He felt the electrodes which were glued to his scalp and every tiny movement felt dragged by the wires attached. The bandage around his head made him feel too warm. He was used to bury his head either into his fluffy pillows or rest against Louis' chest, letting the heart best lull him to sleep. But now he was stuck in this white sterile bed trying to sleep. Harry knew the staff were able to look into the room through the window behind him. He couldn't see in though and it was unnerving. The tiredness made him feel cold and he tried to get comfortable but found it very difficult. Harry pulled the sheets tighter around his body and willed himself to fall asleep.

The harder he tried the more frustrated he felt. He was tired and he wanted to sleep but feeling watched stopped Harry from actually falling asleep and he felt himself tightening up and getting anxious. Pulling one layer of the sheets over himself fully, Harry eventually managed to fall into a very light sleep. He kept on twisting and turning, unable to fully settle into a deep sleep. Every so often he startled and woke, feeling disorientated and stressed.

Harry felt the first subtle signs, his vision being a bit blurry and stars dancing in front of his eyes. The hospital smell in the room starting to irritate him and he sat up in bed, holding the sheets clutched in his hands.

At home Harry knew he most likely would try and turn over and fall asleep. But here in this strange environment he was too unsettled to even try. All he wanted was Lou to bring him home. As pathetic as it might be, a full grown man of nearly 30 years only wanting to go home and be looked after by his husband who knew how to deal with his attacks. The blinking red light of the camera recording his „sleep" was what tipped Harry over and he pressed the nurses bell.