Heal the Heart

34.

I was drunk. And not in the feeling good, memories lost, numbness abound way. No, no. This was the anxious, self-doubt-galore, almost-in-tears sort of drunk. Basically, I was in that stage between soul-crushing sadness and passing out, and I didn't know whether I liked floating in this limbo.

Beck was out for another away game. Okay, seriously, was this university incapable of hosting games or something? For the past five weeks, Beck had been on the road, and I was starting to get a little pissed.

Fine, a lot pissed.

It wasn't just about him not being around during the weekends anymore, but more of me not being able to kick the doubts from my head. Doubts that had no business bumbling about in the first place.

When pacing in the empty apartment got too much, I took a bus to Deep and Krishna's place. They had fucked off to God knows where, but that didn't mean their booze stash had too. Downing almost an entire bottle of cheap vodka probably wasn't the smartest decision, but my entire being was made of not smart decisions, so if you asked me, I'd say it was pretty on brand.

Beck had assured me. He did. Numerous times. But he'd made promises that felt like I'd demanded him to make. Like he wasn't all in. Did he think once we left university, we'd leave our relationship behind too?

That one perfect summer we had blinded me to reality. It shielded my eyes from the impending doom, and the more I thought about it, the more I couldn't escape the nagging voice in my head saying He's going to leave you, Neil.

During those three months, we had grown closer in a way we didn't predict. We had formed our own little bubble away from the rest of civilisation, with no interruptions. It was easy to pretend for a little while that we'd never have to face it. And the more time we were together, the more I got the fantasy stuck in my head that we could make it.

It had worked so far.

But these days, every time I fell asleep in our empty bed, the voice in my head would sprout up. He's going to leave you, Neil.

Why wouldn't he?

There was no solid future with me. He couldn't declare our relationship out in the open. I had no prospects in life to look forward to. Meanwhile, he was what could be considered royalty.

We moved too fast. In the short span I'd known Beck, we had gone from nothing to everything real quick. He became one of the most important people in my life. I fell in love with him. I moved in with him. Thinking back, it seemed like I went along with it all because there was a metaphorical timer over our heads that wouldn't stop fucking ticking. It was like my subconscious had warned me that if I didn't succumb to his charms now, there wouldn't be a future where I could.

The more I thought about it, the more I hated myself. Beck did nothing but treasure me. Treasure the time he spent with me. It wasn't fair on him.

Yet...

I couldn't help but think about a time when an irresistible offer would arrive, and Beck would say yes. Humans worked that way, right? Temptation always had a way to weasel into our poor, pathetic, unguarded hearts.

Alright, that was enough self-reflection for one day. I needed to save some insecurities for tomorrow as well. It was still Saturday evening, Beck wouldn't be home for another twenty-four hours.

I capped the bottle, left it on the coffee table as a message for the two residents that Neil was here, chugged two glasses of water and walked out the door the same way I walked in an hour ago. Tired, defeated and utterly confused.

Banging and shouts echoed throughout the entire hallway of our floor. My first thought landed on some couple having severe marital issues. Then, my jumbled brain registered the noises coming from our apartment.