Heal the Heart

33.

Never once did I think I'd miss having another warm body in my bed. I didn't like sharing my sleeping space. I hated the jostling of the sheets whenever someone moved. Clarissa had a habit of sneaking into my bed during the time we shared a room in Mumbai. I used to just grab her by the elbow and dump her in my parents' room. Like hell, I'd let that blanket-hogger sleep in the same bed as me. With Arya, our sleepovers were mostly at my place, and my twin size was too small to accommodate the two of us, so he took the retractable cot we usually stored in the guest room.

Now, swiping my hand over the cold space beside me, I wondered how I'd lived my entire life that way.

Beck was off for yet another away game, and I was here alone. In our bed. Yes, I had moved in. And yes, it seriously felt like I was some love-sick housewife waiting for her military husband to return.

Sleep evaded me. Again. The past five weekends, he's had away games, and it was starting to get on my nerves. Weekends were the only time we had time to ourselves. On weekdays we were busy with school. In the evenings, I had work, and he had practice. Nights, we were both busy with coursework. We had our semester projects due, and these professors were riding us raw. At least while sleeping, I had him. Ironically—or not—Beck liked being the little spoon. And I liked holding on to him, his broad back nestled against my chest.

My guess was he could let loose. He had held himself up alone for so long through all those uncertainties, but when he was with me, I gave him the space to feel safe. Protected. I would hold him tight. Both arms snug around his wide shoulders. I needed to have a tight grip on him to fall asleep. I needed to know this was reality, and he was here with me, not a dream that would evaporate once the silence of the night passed.

It probably should've scared me how dependent I was becoming on another human being. Again. After getting the rug pulled out from underneath me, one would think I had the brains not to put myself in such a vulnerable position once more. Clearly, I was lacking stock in that area.

I rolled over, so I was flat on my stomach on his side of the bed. Beck had me in this position two nights ago. He had guided my hands to the headboard and proceeded to turn my world upside down. His hips met my pelvis in harsh, violent thrusts. He spread his weight over my body, moulding, man-handling, positioning me in every which way he wanted without a care if I had enough oxygen to survive. He fucked like there was no tomorrow, and it felt good to be wanted. To be longed for with no holding back.

I closed my eyes and stuffed my face into the pillows, inhaling his lingering scent in the fabric. I pressed the heel of my palm to my crotch.

Jesus.

Get a fucking grip, dude.

No. Not again. How desperate did one have to be to routinely jack off every weekend to the thoughts of their boyfriend? In said boyfriend's bed, no less.

I'd like to think I hadn't yet dropped to such a level of blue balls to engage myself in it every weekend. Every other weekend was good enough.

Anyway, Beck was returning this evening, and if he wasn't too tired, I wouldn't mind letting him show me just how much he missed me these past two days.

~

The entire fucking clinic was breathing down my neck and one over enthusiastic therapist almost pushed me off my chair. Meanwhile, I tried to obtain information from the teenager in front of me to create his account, aka do my fucking job. But this motherfucker was too busy leaning over the counter to get a peek at the hockey match Mandy was streaming on her monitor.

"Dude." I tapped on the counter to get his attention. "The faster you fill that form, the faster I can get you a consultation."

"Yeah, yeah, I'm on it." He got back to scribbling on the pad... until the crowd behind me let out a loud whoop and he lost his focus once more.