Fragmented Soul

Sadie

That night, I could not fall asleep for a long time. I was overthinking again, like I always do, especially when something like this happens or when I do something embarrassing or that I may or may not regret later. I overthink a lot of things, actually, though I should stop. What if I panicked? What if I did not call the ambulance in time? What if I didn't transfer some of my aura to grandma, what if it did not work, what if, what if, what if...?

I always do that, think in that fucking way. What if something happens to someone? What if it played out differently? What if I did that instead of that? I hate it but can't help it at the same time, and that infuriates me even more.

I roll on my right hip and hug my teddy bear tighter. It's probably childish, sleeping with stuffed animals at age of fourteen, but that is a habit I can't get rid off. I have been sleeping with this stuffed animals since I was a little girl, and I just... never stopped.

After the ambulance took grandma to the emergency room, Henry and I ate the lunch reluctantly and went back home. Mum was in the hospital with grandma, and dad was still at work. He only came home when Henry had handball practice. I left our flat before that because I had fencing practice in town. I had trained fencing since I was ten. I trained taekwondo, but I stopped two years ago. It was too much, and I like fencing better. I wasn't able to concentrate the whole practice. I did not pay attention to anything, not even to Maximilian Hart glancing at me. I talked a bit to Cole, one of my fencing friends, but it was distant and he noticed it. I even did not pay much attention to the newbies, which I always do, but I noticed Emma, whom was invited by Johanna, and the later ignoring the prior almost all the practice.

I turn around and flip on my left hip, face turned towards the wall again. My wondering thoughts are tiring and I'm tired too, but I still can't sleep. I close my eyes, and it's feels like I haven't done anything. My room is so dark that my eyelids can't make it any darker. The entrance door unlock and my mum is the most likely to enter the apartment. It comes to me that Henry has stopped crying and fell asleep, and is snoring quietly now. I smile faintly. At least he found enough peace to sleep, unlike me. Mum is crying in the hall, and dad comes to her, not crying any more. I don't hear much else of what is happening, but I guess dad is hugging and comforting mum. I turn around once more, and hug my teddy bear, trying to stop myself from crying.

Next thing I know, I am being awoken by my alarm clock in the morning, and nobody is crying any more. I hear Henry getting out of his bed in his room. I sleepily get out of bed, and get my jeans from my chair, then I change my mind. I put the jeans away in the closet with the shirt I wore yesterday, and I take out new clothes. New jeans, new shirt, new socks, new day, new experiences. A sigh escapes my lips. I change into that clothes still groggy from my sleep. Maybe I should have taken some sleeping meds instead of turning in bed for two hours.

After I finish peeing, I hear crying again, from my parents bedroom. I slowly enter it, even though I know I shouldn't. "Is grandma okay?"

Mum quickly whips the tears from her face. She is sitting on the bed, still in her pyjamas. I wonder where is dad. "She is alright. Your call saved her, Sadie," her voice is quiet and tired.

My aura helped to, I think, but don't voice it out loud. "What's wrong, then?"

She shakes her head. Her short brown hair is messy and I think I can see few grays, though much lighter than my aura. What am I thinking about? I scold myself. "Everything is alright."

"If everything is alright as you say, you would not be crying," I know that I am rude and that if something is wrong, that I am not the one to question it, but I'm curious. Besides, she'd have to say it to someone eventually, and I would find out. "Tell me what is happening, please," I say softly.