the divine art of bullish*t

Chapter 6

A/n-Not edited

My fists slam into the table, startling my mother as i stand upbruptly.All the tiredness leaving my body,

"Are you fucking serious!" i seethe and i feel all my anger being suppressed by my clenched fists.

"Watch your language." my father sizes up to me with tall figure glaring me down. "and yes. i've already sent word to the General. you have 1 week before conscription day. so i suggest you start packing."

"are you seriously going to send me to that deathbed of a place?" i step forward as if i could siphon any of his strength.

"you guys are really willing to lighten the weight on your shoulders by making me end up like Minah?" i feel my white hot rage rise up like bile in my throat.

 "don't speak of your sister like that! '' my mother defends. i scoff,

"right," my eyes roll, "because its always about her, its always 'Your sister did this' and 'your sister did that' 'why cant you be more like her'" i mimic. My heart aches with frustration as I take a step back, trying to hold back the tears that threaten to spill. "Why is it always about her?" I cry out, my voice trembling with emotion. "Why can't anyone see that I'm hurting too?"I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders, crushing down on me with each passing moment. "I don't want to be her," I whisper, my voice breaking. "I want to be me, but every time I try, I feel like a failure."I can't stop the tears from falling now, my emotions spilling over as I pour my heart out.

i sniffle and glance down, " i can never be like her, wanna know why? because instead of my fathers strength, i get his temper. instead of my mothers confidence, i get her drinking problem." i say almost sarcastically as i try and keep my composure, "and instead of being Minah, i have to be me. a failure. which is the only thing you see me as." Tension so thick fills the room and after dreadful moments of silence my voice breaks through.

"why don't you love me?"

 i see my mothers face soften and her arm reach out and grab my hand i snatch it back. my eyes give her the most hateful glare i could muster. i watch her face stiffen.

 "oh Rena," my mother says pitifully, "we didnt know it was like that"

"because you never ask."

"wheres that girl who used to stargaze on the roof? wheres my girl who liked to read books in the dark? what happened to our little Verena?" she questions. her hand grazes over my cheek

"we didnt raise you like this Rena." Her voice lacks everything of motherly love and more like a doctore to a patient. she tries to hold my hand once more. 

"you didnt raise me at all!" i snap. my father gives me a warning stare.

"Fuck, you left that little girl in the basement to grow up by herself." i finally glance my eyes up to meet theirs "and she died the moment your love for me died too." they say nothing and stare at me.

"God, i did everything for you. i helped you, i loved you, i killed for you." i say exasperated and roll my eyes 

"We didn't ask you too!" my father snaps. my eyes widen and the hot tears of anger come out as sadness. but i pull it together and snap back.

"you want me to leave?, i'll leave. you want me to die? i'll die. ill do anything for you."  I rush to my room, my heart pounding in my chest, and they follow closely behind, demanding to know what I'm doing. Tears prick at my eyes as I frantically shove a couple of changes of clothes and other necessities inside my rucksack. As I'm about to walk out, something makes me take a step back to retrieve the egg-shaped music box from my nightstand. It was the last thing my sister gave me before everything fell apart between us. Even though I'm filled with anger and resentment towards her, she's still my only sibling. And deep down, despite everything, I know I still love her.

I shove past my parents and stomp out the door in the rain,

"Rena!, come back right now." my father calls out, i ignore him. 

no fucking way im ever look back. I didnt need them then, i dont need them now.

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My fist slam extra hard when i give the secret knock to Annikas bar. when it opens i rush down the long flight of stairs. my rain soaked clothes was starting to bother me now. i pull the my braid to my side and squeeze out any extra water. the trail of rain following as i walk to Matthias at the bar

"Woah, Rena, are you okay?"  he asks, sliding a drink over the counter.

"Annika." i demand and down the drink. what ever alcohol was in it fuelled my rage. "where is she?"

"She's busy right now, shell be out soon" he throws me a small towel and i take it, wiping the rainwater  roff my face and arms. I shut my eyes. my body cold and shaky from running in the rain

"meanwhile, that guy over there has been waiting for his opponent to show, why don't you sub in her place?" he says as more of a statement. he knows ill lash out anytime soon, so sending me to fight someone was the perfect way to let my anger out. My boots trudge through the contrasting the temperature from outside to the warm, drunk and dancing bodies around me.

my feet meet the concrete platform in front of me. i don't bother remembering the mans face.

"you're Elena Pierce?" he asks, his eyebrows raise almost in suprise, then his eyes rake down my body. i nod. normally i would have corrected him. but right now, i want to be anyone else but me. "you look..." 

"i look what? weak? too short? deal with it." i snap.

his face stiffens and we get into a fighting position id left my daggers in my bag and i had no wraps on my arms, so he'd have the advantage. instead of my usual tactic and letting them strike first, i run at him. he was too tall for my kick to to reach his face, so i step up from his thigh using my momentum and my knee hits him in the chin. i land in front of him. it was only enough to send him stumbling a few steps back. i punch him with my anger as my strength. and he lands on his back, i get on top of him and force his jaw sideways so i can whisper in his ear. 

"you wanna think of me as weak again? you can think of it on your death bed." i say. and i punch him over and over again, hiting his already split cheek open wider and wider. if i was fourteen  again, i would have controlled myself and pulled myself back so i didnt kill him. but whats a couple of names on my list of murders?

Someone calls my name my head snaps up. it was Annika. i see her walk and try to shove past the crowd, but my distraction is my downfall as my opponent pulls out a dagger and i gasp as he slits my arm. he hits my temple with the hilt of his dagger, knocking me out immediately.

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I stir awake and immediately clutch my arm when i remember that my opponent cut it open, but its already bandaged. i take in my dark surroundings and realise im in Annikas bedroom, upstairs from the bar. i stand and look at myself in the mirror, im in Annikas clothes and notice my leather armour is swinging in the howling wind drying outside my dark copper hair, looks lighter but the bruise of my face will only get darker. the door swings open and Annika walks in, she pushes the door open wider with her foot she walks in with two trays of breakfast in it as she walks over to me,

"glad to see you're awake," she places the tray at the foot of the bed, and gestures with her hands for me to come closer and eat. i take it, not even realising that my stomach had been empty for a day. im ravenous and much on the toast and Anni does the same, she breaks the silence first,

"I've never seen you lose control like that, What happened Rena?" she questions.

i tell her everything.