Phase Book

bust your windows

THIS IS MORE OF A RANT THAN ANYTHING IM SO SORRY LMAO

This is probably gonna be really messy cause I'm on and off crying. the last time i updated was allllmost a year ago. I'm not sure why I never mentioned the new guy I liked cause that started in January of 2023 and his nickname is Pineapple OFC. He is the reason I'm on and off crying. ANYWAY! I'm also not sure why I never mentioned Taylor Swift cause I started obsessing over her last winter. She has been my #1 artist since then. What really started it was randomly going on youtube when I had nothing else to do and I saw 'Back to December'. I had heard of it but never listened to it before and decided to give it a go. I have never recovered since then. I'm not sure why it hurt me so much considering I had never broken a boy's heart before and still haven't. For some reason it's always me. ATP I still liked that asshole so this was most likely December (of course). I didn't relate the song to him, thank god, before or after he shit on me. 

When I started to like this new guy it was because of his kindness. I had never "met" a guy so genuinely nice. I put met in quotes because technically I never met him it just felt like I had because of the interactions I had seen. He's so funny too. Anyway when I started getting those real feelings I thought, "If I ever end up with this guy, he's so nice I bet I'll break his heart and always relate 'Back to December' with him and it will hurt so bad". That's not what's happening. (Sidenote: the way I'm involving my obsession with my story is great omg) 

I got his number and started talking to him in May. He doesn't have social media so his brain isn't rotted. First day I was introduced to a difficult fact. He will not respond to your message unless it is a question or relevant enough for him to respond. Obviously I'm putting words in his mouth but that's basically how it worked. I'm not at all trying to make him seem malicious because that's not what he is. He really is great. 

We talked for a very long time. It's so hard to read him and I could not tell if he liked me back or not, but like why would you talk to someone for months if you didn't like them. COUGH COUGH THE ASSHOLE WHO GOT A GIRLFRIEND A DAY AFTER HE GHOSTED ME. 

I really don't want to talk about this part because it's so embarrassing omg. So couple of months in and still can't tell if he likes me. At school this guy (ofc has the same fucking name as the guy I like but we'll call him Apple) starts talking to me in person cause we got a few classes together. At first I didn't pay it too much attention but then my cousin who's dating one of the guys friends said that he liked me or something like that. So I was like "shit bro". Since I'm not used to people liking me like that I really didn't know how to feel. We would react to each other's BeReal's every day. I was still talking to Pineapple at this point. 

Then Apple starts to message me Instagram GREAT! I could neverrrr talk to two guys at the same time because that's a terrible thing to do so like a dumbass I randomly stopped talking to Pineapple. I figured, "This guy is showing real interest in me unlike Pineapple so I should stay talking to him!". Oh My God. 

It didn't kick in that I made a huge mistake until after I had lunch with Apple. It was super awkward and shit. When I sat down at my desk after lunch I was like "oh my god i miss pineapple". I had always been hit with a pang of guilt every time I passed Pineapple, because what if he really did like me? I forgot to mention Pineapple and Apple are literally friends LMFAO. It was clear I was talking to and hanging out with Apple so there was no way he didn't notice especially being that they're friends.

From that moment forward there wasn't a day that went by where I didn't think about Pineapple. I didn't just think about him, I YEARNED for him. I was in so much pain because all I wanted was him.

Day by day I slowly started to hate Apple's guts. Every little thing he did pissed me off. I would always complain about him and how I missed Pineapple. Literally every day I said I missed him. At some point, with encouragement from my cousin and brother, I told Apple I didn't have feelings for him. The way I told him was kinda weird but I'm over it. He complained for a second but then was like whatever. He had asked me to the dance previously and again, like a dumbass, I said yes. So he asked me if I still wanted to go with him. I SAID YES OMFG. That whole night is a face palm I'm not even going to talk about it. After that night I was officially free. I just didn't have Pineapple.

It had been a few days since I talked to Apple and almost a month since Pineapple. I COULDN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE. I texted him on a random day after school. He responded pretty quickly like he usually did. I basically apologized for not texted and he said it was fine. I did not talk about Apple. We moved swiftly forward.

We usually texted for awhile but then I would stop for a few days cause I ran out of things to talk about. MIGHT I ADD he had never started any conversation. You're probably thinking, "WTF GIRL DROP HIM??". It's really not that easy. This man is like a drug and boy am I addicted. There's no one like him and I don't want anybody else. Eventually I was so fed up with the fact that I had never technically met him in person that I asked if he wanted to see a movie with me. He is OBSESSED with movies. Unfortunately the day I asked him he was out of town at an event and no he wasn't lying because my family was also at the event. So 2 months later and I asked him again HE SAID YES AND THAT WE SHOULD GO THE NEXT DAY. And we did. It was awkward ofc because that's how we are. He was so perfect. I have the first moment he looked at me and every detail of the night completely memorized. It was great and we continued to talk.

Skip to present day. February 2024. He should be asking me to be his Valentine but instead I'm constantly bawling my eyes out. One time a couple of months ago I asked him a question, usually around the time he goes to sleep, and he didn't respond for days. I ended up messaging him something about him leaving me hanging and he apologized saying he fell asleep and then answered that question. I had thought that maybe it was really an attempt to stop talking to me but wanted to see. So yeah we kept talking. Now a couple weeks ago he finally started a conversation! Progress right?! WRONG. A few days ago we were talking and I asked him a question at around 7 PM. He usually doesn't go to bed till 10 PM. It was a simple question nothing crazy. 30 mins later no response. That's completely fine. 1 hour later. Whatever. Whole night no response. Okay that's pretty weird, I'm sure he'll respond tomorrow. It's been three days. Nothing. Yesterday I spent the whole day crying. Is this another attempt or does he have an excuse. What possible reason could he have to do this?

I had constantly asked him if I was bothering him and if I needed to take a hint and he always said no. He also said he liked talking to me every time. (Back to December deadass started playing just now I need a breather LOL) I told him I overthink a lot and he said he does do. If he is just trying to be nice to me by lying and saying I'm not bothering him and he likes talking to me, he's only being more mean.

I really hope I'm just overreacting especially because I'm on my period LMAO. I might be saying weird shit now cause I deadass just had an edible and it's starting to kick in. I recently realized that I literally love him. I should've known from the moment that I wanted Pineapple back and not Apple that I love him. I've never wanted someone so badly. And no I'm not just in love with the thought of him or some fake poetic shit like that. If you've ever listened to 'Lover, You Should've Come Over', you're about to recognize these lyrics. 

"My body turns and yearns for a sleep that won't ever come"

"It's never over. All my blood for the sweetness of her laughter"

"It's never over. She is the tear that hangs inside my soul forever"

"Yes, I feel too young to hold on and much too old to break free and run"

These lyrics perfectly capture how I feel for this man. 

Never let me have an edible again omfg bro this shit is longer than half the reads on this website. Anyway love y'all.