Ideals || Kunikidazai ||

Ideal No. 9

I wake up early even without an alarm but I set one just in case and it chimes across the house as I get dressed. Is it strange that the house feels unusually empty without Yozo, even though she's only been here a day?

I shake my head to clear it, prepare my lunch, and get ready to leave for work.

-

As usual, I'm the first in the office . . . Or so I thought. Someone has already unlocked the doors and turned on the lights. I note that the office notice board remains un-updated. Did Haruno come in early? Yes, that must be it.

She's probably in the restroom or something. I'll greet her when I see her. For now, I focus on updating the whiteboard.  Just as I open my computer to check the case requests, I hear the refrigerator door. Haruno must be putting her lunch away.

My head turns automatically at the sound, and then he walks in. Dazai Osamu, at the office before me? Unheard of! Did something happen? I saw him leave yesterday, so I know he didn't sleep here.

"Good morning, Kunikida-kun," he says, bowing, his tone is pleasant, and his voice a strangely appropriate volume for the quiet office. I'm too stunned to speak, the whiteboard marker slipping from my grip. "You should give me access to the case requests file, so I can update the board next time."

Next time? Surely this is just a one-time thing? Surely?

And wait, if it was him who opened the refrigerator. . . Did he actually bring his own food for lunch today? No, it must be some weird thing he wants someone to get creeped out when they find it later.

I realise I must be staring quite rudely when his expression falls into one of soft concern, elegant brows furrowing. Beautiful. Meanwhile, I'm still standing here with the marker at my feet. He looks at me up and down, with yet more concern, then bends down and picks up the marker, and holds it out to me.

Hesitantly, I take it.

"Are you alright, Kunikida-kun?"

(A/N: Dazai thinks he's so smooth here, lmao)

"I . . . I am fine." I manage through my confusion.

"Alright. I'll be at my desk then." He says it as if that's perfectly normal as if any of this is normal. If I didn't know him, I'd think it was. I'd think I was the strange one.

I don't know what to say to that. Is this some sort of prank?

It's better than yesterday, at least he's speaking. Or maybe that's worse for my poor heart. (How can a clown like him be so charming?) His concern looked so perfectly practiced, as if he has concerns for my health, as if he cares at all. I wanted it to be real so, so badly, but of course, as always, it is simply Dazai being Dazai. nothing more nothing less.

I watch him carefully as he opens his laptop and start to type, his slender finger tapping out an even rhythm on the keyboard, the sound filling the silence. Now that I really look it's impossible to deny how handsome he is.

He looks so elegant in this outfit, but more than anything, strange. I have not once in two years seen him wear anything besides his trenchcoat, blue shirt, and tan trousers. Why the sudden change?

Possibilities whir in my head, leaving me unable to focus, here I am staring off into space, doing nothing, just like Dazai. Oh god.

I have to stop this.

-

30 minutes later the office is full. But again, no one is doing much work besides myself and . . . Dazai.

Atsushi started trying to file his reports, and Kenji protested about gossiping, but Yosano dragged them both over to her office to talk about what was going on with Dazai. I try not to listen. Only Ranpo lounges, unaffected by the sudden 180.

He was nearly the same yesterday, how long is this going to go on? Surely not more than a week.

-

I was a bit less productive this morning than yesterday (just because of the shock of the outfit change, that's why I couldn't stop watching Dazai.) but I will make up for it after lunch.

It's during lunch, when it finally occurs to me, in a horrifying realisation that almost makes me spit out my tea.

Isn't it obvious? How could I have missed it? There is only one reason Dazia could be dressed so nicely: to impress a woman. He has a date.

The thought hit me harshly. This is it then, the end of my hoping. He is unequivocally heterosexual and now taken. (Of course, that's why he stopped flirting with the waitress.) I want to find whoever she is and shake her by the shoulders until she tells me exactly how she managed to charm Dazai, how she managed to make him love her, to make him stay.

At this, something else occurs to me . . . what if they're planning a double suicide together?

It makes me feel hollow, but at the same time lose my appetite, so I push the thought away. No. That's not possible, he would have told us. He would have been dramatic about it, made a huge scene. Or maybe, is he planning to cut us all off to make it easier for us when he dies?

No, no, no!

He surely wouldn't have bought new clothes, or bothered trying to change if he was just going to die, surely not?

And all this theorising is pointless anyway, I vowed not to let him take up any more of my time like this anyway. It has to stop! I cannot allow it. He isn't mine. I don't control him. (But oh good god if he killed himself . . .)

I try not to think anymore as I walk back upstairs. When I get to the door, I stop to take three deep breaths to settle myself, then two more because I'm still not settled. I have to let him go. I can, I'm sure I can, (I think).

Dazai is still typing away at his desk, the only evidence that he even took a lunch break being the empty salad tin in the garbage bin.

Did he have only that? It's not enough for a fully grown person, but still better than nothing. Ah, stop! I must stop!

I keep my eyes forward as I walk to my desk. Out of the corner of my eye, I see him look up. He smiles politely.

"Did you enjoy your lunch break Kunikida-kun?"

I feel so rude for not responding but I know I shouldn't play with fire like this anymore. Why is it that he's decided to become so charming when he has a girlfriend?

-

When I finish all my work, I look up and notice that the office has cleared out. Well, all except for Dazai. I check my watch. No wonder.

Now it's just the two of us here and his presence is even harder to ignore. Like a painfully beautiful phenomenon, you can't take your eyes off off even though you know you should. Like when people stare at tsunamis, dust clouds, and explosions for too long it's too late by the time they think to run.

I'd best leave now or I won't be getting any more work done. I'd have better luck focusing at home. I'll need to be picking up Yozzo soon anyway, so it should be fine, right?

I never work at home. I have strict boundaries. Work at work and everything else at home. Stupid (beautiful) Dazai making me bend my ideals. (Who am I kidding? He's been doing that since I met him.)

Giving in to his presence, I gather my things and walk out the door hoping this will be over tomorrow, that when I come in he'll be the same as he was before trench coat, idiotic grin and all.