Ideals || Kunikidazai ||

Ideal No. 10

(A/N: IDK why, but for some reason, I feel like this chapter isn't as good as the others. But I hope you like it. I may edit later.)

I leave a bit after Kunikida because I have more work. It will take me only a week to clear my backlog. It makes me wonder why I didn't just do it before, (because I am miserably lazy) but I'm making up for it now.

I'd hoped that this was what it took to get Kunikida's attention, but he was still paying no attention to me. Even when he's been angry at me, he's never just ignored me like that or anyone actually. Politeness is in his ideals. I know I said I wish he'd changed them but not just to cut me out.

Of course, I know I deserve it, he must see that I'm not really trying to change. Still, I must try. If I want to catch his attention, I'll have to do something drastic, but not the type of thing I would've done before.

I'll get his attention with my looks and actions instead of my words. While I shower I imagine I'm drowning and that's when it comes to me.

–

In the morning I head to the supermarket on the way to work. Should I get the same thing as yesterday? Would it make me look consistent and reliable or boring? The options don't matter, it's not as if I'll taste it anyway.

In the end, I settle for a slightly different one and head into work.

-

Kunikida is already there when I arrived, despite the fact that I arrived no later than I did yesterday. He must have come in earlier to try and beat me. I shall have to come in even earlier tomorrow.

Ever a man of routine, Kunikida is writing notes on the whiteboard, just as he was yesterday.

I bow and greet him, smiling to myself at his surprised expression at my second day of early arrival. I hide the disappointment with a blank smile when his face shifts into one of disease, annoyed by the fact that I seem determined to "pester" him. It's not like I should be surprised that's what he assumes. I haven't put enough effort in. Change is supposed to be hard, it's supposed to hurt. I've been going too easy. I need to try harder. I don't deserve to feel disappointed when I haven't tried at all.

-

All through the day, I catch him staring at me, but I can't tell if my plan is working or if he just thinks that I'm a complete weirdo.

The others seem to have made peace with it, just as they do my other antics. Secure in the fact that I'll change soon.

It's been a slow week, but we'll have a case soon and we'll have to talk. It fills me with dread and excitement. What sentiment awaits me? What will his first words to me in a week be? Rejection? Or long-awaited acceptance?

-

It's lunchtime now, and we all split up, time for my plan.

I grab my lunch and follow Kunikida to the cafe. Even when I get to his booth, He doesn't look up at me, staring intently at the already-finished document on his laptop. Working through the lunch break, classic Kunikida. Ah, we're so different, how will we ever work? I must be annoying him. I should just go away. I hear Ranpo chuckle, then quiet himself and order a strawberry tart.

"Excuse me, Kunikida-kun."

At this I see his eyes flicker in interest, he seems to mentally debate a moment before he looks up at me. Politeness wins out. Pity. I keep my expression pleasant, it hurts a bit, feeling forced when a frown would be so natural.

"Yes, Dazai." he sounds so annoyed already that it makes me nauseous but ever the annoying fool, doomed to tragedy because he can't take a hint, I press on.

"Would you mind it if I joined you this lunch break?"

He looks up at me, eyes wide, incredulous, as if I've just said the strangest stupidest thing. As if I'm an idiot for assuming he'd ever wish for my company (I probably am). His gaze is like one of the weapons he makes from his notebook, a wire gun stabbing me through the heart. I can barely stand it.

"Ah, never mind. This was rude of me. I can see that you're occupied with work. Goodbye, Kunikida-kun. Enjoy your lunch."

I walk away before I can show any emotion. I see in the reflection of the glass door, Ranpo looking sympathetically after me.

Kunikida must have realised it was an advance, then. It's not as if I should be surprised. It probably never even crossed his mind before, and now I've disgusted him. I'll need to show him I've changed, that I'm not a freak anymore.

I've already tried wearing neater clothes, so the only thing left must be to show that I don't in fact live off convenience store food. His ideals say his woman must be able to cook, or at least love trying new foods. So that is what I will do.

I need to learn my own bentos, pretty like the ones Kouyou used to make for Kyouka, but I can't exactly ask her, I'll need to do this on my own. All alone.

Why is this so exhausting? Why do I feel so heavy when I've barely done anything at all? Am I just such a weak useless person?

Ahh, yes. That's it then.

Tch, I make myself sick.

I don't eat my lunch, I can't make myself. Just looking at the measly salad makes my stomach turn. I almost chuck it in the bin, but then I feel bad about the food waste and leave it in the refrigerator. I'm sure one of the clerks will take it home. Maybe Atsushi will eat it for a snack (he needs a lot of snacks for his high metabolism.)

-

The afternoon goes by in a blur and I'm more eager than ever to get out of the office (how lazy of me). I walk quickly out of the door, keeping my eyes straight ahead, not looking anywhere near Kunikida.

When I get back to the dorm I spend my evening browsing Youtube cooking tutorials. After the hours of scouring my eyes burn, but I have to get to work right away so I get up, ignoring the tingling from sitting cross-legged for too long,  and head out.

I hear Kunikida's voice in the back of my head, right there next to Oda's. "Put on a coat, you'll get sick." "Wear proper clothes, idiot, you're not some street oaf!"

I can't stand it. The two people I'll never have. I ignore it, leaving the coat. I'll be warm from walking anyway.

The local market is only a walk across the city. The night is brisk, a nippy sort of chill that wakes you up and clears your head.

An hour later I reach the night market. It's beautiful. Lanterns and flickering neon signs hang everywhere. It's a good thing I have so much money saved up from the Port mafia.

-

By the time I get my groceries home, it's nearly 24:00, but I can tell by the way my limbs buzz that I wouldn't be able to sleep if I tried.

Time to get to work.