Ideals || Kunikidazai ||

Ideal No. 7

I stayed up late washing Yozo but to sleep in would ruin my entire day's schedule so I force myself out of bed with a yawn.

I frown when I see the time. It's already 30 minutes after I usually arrive at the office. No one will note my lateness, as I always make sure I'm the first to arrive, but still, I dislike it on principal.

Yozo yowls as I dress as if she knows I'm leaving.

When I grab my keys she bites my trouser leg, meowing for me to stay. At least someone wants me.

"No, sorry, Yozo, I have to go to work. I'll buy you some food on the way home okay." It occurs to me that talking to a cat is unnecessary only after I've said the words, but I swear Yozo nods her head in understanding.

I let her out onto the sun porch so she won't claw my furniture while I'm away.

-

I clock into the office an hour before office hours technically begin so there's usually no traffic, and today's much the same. I call the veterinarian and book an appointment for this evening as I drive.

-

I breathe deeply before I get out of my car, steeling myself for the mountain of paperwork awaiting me, most of it Dazai's. He's seemed more manic lately, intense. I wonder if something happened?

-

When I get to our floor I lean against the door while I get my key and it shifts under my weight. Ah, Haruno-san must have come in early.

I walk to my desk and sit down. It takes my tired brain too long to realise what's missing: the pile of paperwork has been more than halved. I'm now aware of the scratching sound of a pen on paper behind me. The desk behind me is Dazai's, but that can't be. This was supposed to be my time! Then again, it can't be Dazai because Dazai doing paperwork would mean the world is ending.

(A/N: Flashback to that one WAN chapter)

But who else could it, anyone else would've greeted me as I came in. Dazai usually would, with an obnoxiously loud "GOOD MORNING!!!" but I'm quiet so maybe he didn't hear me come in?

Damn, this fool is determined! If I thought he was doing this to chase my affection I would only love him all the more, but I have no such illusions.

I turn around to assess the bandaged man, he looks up as if just having noticed me, our gazes connect for a second then he looks back to the form on his desk. There's a stack of paper on his desk, the ones missing from my desk. I want to thank him, I know I shouldn't have to, this is his job after all, but I want to.

I shouldn't be worried by something as simple as him working but I am, is he having some sort of depressive episode and this is the only thing he can do for the boredom?

But I don't ask for the same reasons I always stay silent. I feel selfish for a moment, "If you really loved him Doppo," a voice in the back of my head says, "You'd ask or at least bring your concerns to someone."

But I'm just too afraid that I'll be wrong and he'll think I'm a freak for watching him so closely.

This is better anyway, if he's not paying attention to me I don't have to pay attention to him.

-

For the first time since Dazai joined the agency, I work in peace and silence without a single interruption.

Well, that's not true.

Atsushi comes up to me while I'm working through lunch break, trying to make the most of this calm while it lasts.

"Kunikida-san, you really don't think this is creepy, or weird, or anything?"

I shake my head, still typing, "No, if he's decided to fix himself then why should I complain? If I were you I'd take advantage of this, we don't know how long it will last."

"True," he says and goes to join Kyouka and Kenji for lunch at Kenji's desk.

I know my words were a bit cruel. I shouldn't doubt his resolve to change, and I wouldn't, if this were anyone else, but it's Dazai so this will be over by the end of the week at most. I'm not going to enjoy the return of the loud clown, I most definitely won't. It will be most inconvenient.

Part of me wonders if he's actually trying to change. But why now, after all this time? I know he needs to change. he's a suicidal alcoholic, hardly eats, flirts shamelessly with women, he's loud and jokes about inappropriate things, and lord knows he hasn't washed his hair in days.

But a small part of me hopes that he doesn't get rid completely of his current personality. Despite everything I know to be proper, I find myself drawn to the loud and wild of him. I only wished it wasn't caused by his need to cover up whatever he's hiding beneath it. Will his personal makeover take that away?

I'm not sure how I'd react to his new personality? Will it fit him? I can't imagine him anything except like he is now. Is Dazai planning never to speak to me again, to anyone? I don't know what I'd do with a robotic coworker, I'd always imagined I'd work well with someone as dedicated as myself but since it's Dazai surely we'd clash.

What's triggered this sudden change?

And here I go again, worrying about Dazai when it's none of my business. He wouldn't want me analysing him like this, paying so much attention. I'm not his mother! Honestly, it's pathetic.

He's fine (he's never fine) there's nothing wrong (something is very wrong) he doesn't want me or my attention. I will stop all of this nonsense mind my business and move on with my life like I've been telling myself I will. I have to.

-

More than happy with my productivity, I say goodbye to everyone as I clock out.

-

When I get home Yozo is waiting for me at the screen door. She jumps up and down acting more like a dog, she can surely already smell the cat food I bought her on the way home.

"You can eat after we see the veterinarian."

She yowls in protest.

-

The veterinarian is a nice woman. She examines Yozo and declares her to be healthy on the outside but says they'll have to keep her to give her vaccinations and do the necessary tests for diseases common in outdoor cats.

I pat Yozo on the head goodbye and make the payments at the front desk.

The drive back home is quiet but I've had enough quiet today so I turn on the radio. Some pop music blasts out at a volume that's probably much higher than is good for me but I can't make myself turn it down. So I just drive. I can't understand the words because they're in English but my lack of understanding doesn't make the beat any different. The sun is setting in the sky, I keep driving letting the sun set and the song wash over me.

(A/N: The song that came on the radio is Dover Beach by Baby Queen.)