Ideals || Kunikidazai ||

Ideal No. 14

(A/N: Huge thank you to rikarikachrzan for yelling at me (affectionately) and motivating me to finish. I'm sorry about the long wait. I hope you enjoy this chapter. The next two will be hella fluffy and I hope to get them out before the end of the month.)

I hear Kunikida before I see him. His footsteps are heavier than usual today, and I hear him sipping something that smells like tea from a thermos as he comes in. I can't make myself look at him, but I don't need to know he's tired. Of course, he is. We worked until nearly 22:30 last night, and have been doing so for more than a month now.

I don't know why he stays. I'm not making him, and he's never been one to be petty (he is stubborn though, and I'd like to imagine he stays to look out for me, however moronic that may be.) It's against his Ideals to work so late, as he has mentioned many times before when criminals have kept us chasing them into the late hours. And yet, no matter what he claims, he is a man of duty (a man chained to duty), and no matter how late the call, he answers. I think perhaps, for the sake of his health, I will leave at a normal time today.

The thought of my antics affecting Kunikida's health even as I try my best to change fills me with guilt and shame that makes my stomach simmer. But I always greet him, and I cannot say nothing today, especially when Kunikida has been working so hard.

Looking up as if I just noticed him I greet him.

He pauses mid-motion, mug hovering over his desk, a confused look on his face. It occurrs to me belatedly that I used the wrong honorific for him. I have never called him 'san' in all the time I've known him, but today it reflects the guilt I feel. I have failed my duty as a colleague. I suppose manners are the least I could do after my failure with the bonito, even if he doesn't know it (or my sleepless nights are finally catching up to me.)

He unfreezes, setting his thermos on his desk, concern still on his face. "Yes, unpleasant indeed. Good morning to you as well, Dazai-kun. And, if I may ask, are you feeling alright?"

It's my turn to freeze. He noticed? I swear I made it impossible to tell, washed my face, and applied makeup (stolen from Yosano) to my eyebags. No one in the mafia was ever able to tell. But as always, I underestimated him and his goodness, or his pity. Curse him for being so observant. If this were before, I would simply snitch his glasses, but I could hardly do that now.

I put on my cheeriest voice and reassure him. It seems to satisfy him.

-

All through the morning he glances at me. He looks worried I'll go off like some bomb, maybe really kill myself and cause a mess for the agency, for him, to clean up.

I try to ignore it, the way I ignore the pain with each tap of my hand against the keyboard.

What a hassle.

(A/N: Nagi, is that you?)

-

"Come have lunch with me."

I drop my pen, startled by the voice. The clock reads 11:59 and Kunikida Doppo stands in front of my desk.

Is that the real Kunikida? And he's . . . asking me out?

I mentally slap myself for the train of thought. Of course not. He must have a case he wants to discuss. I relax my face as best I can, a grin now would do me no good. I shouldn't give him any further reason to suspect my feelings. But I feel my lips twitching despite the effort, my brain still high on the shot of hope. More powerful than any narcotic.

I think back on the words for a second. Kunikida's tone was firm, but kind as usual (it's only recently I've been receiving the kinder end of that spectrum), and his eyes, they look . . . desperate (but that can't be right)?