For your Own Good ~Bang Christopher Chan x Reader~

Chapter 9

I'm sitting on the very edge of my seat, even though Ruby advised me to sit back. My hands rest on my thighs, and they would be clutching the fabric of my pants, but I'm willing them to stay open to make myself look composed in front of the lady.

Y/N fell sick. Does she mean a weak cold or something more serious? I know about falling physically ill when the worry is too much, so I can't imagine what they might have gone through.

"W-why would I be upset with you, Ms. Ruby? You didn't cause that to happen." I tried to understand why she would want me to forgive her.

She looked down at her cup, her expression more saddened now. "You must forgive me for being the bearer of bad news." She says while only looking up to me slightly.

I couldn't form words in response to that, so I just let her continue.

She lifts her head a little, but still doesn't look at me. "After y/n fell sick, we waited to see if it would go away on its own, but it never did. We weren't even sure what they had, so we took them to the hospital for a doctor to look at them."

A few tears started to build in Ruby's eyes, threatening to fall and potentially land in her cup that she held on her lap.

"The doctor ran a few tests, some of the results came back quickly, but others for more accurate tests would take a few days. They were only admitted for 2 or 3 days, but ..... there was never enough time."

Ruby's stare was pointed, but blank as her eyes zoned out to the floor. For a moment, I expected a huge reaction or something big to happen, but instead she just closed her eyes and turned her head to the side a bit to face away from me.

I'm terrified to ask, but I just need to know.

"What... what happened.. after the 3 days?"

There was silence, the only sounds were my heavy, anticipating breathing, and Ruby's shaky breathing across from me.

"Christopher, dear, I'm so sorry. But my y/n, they did not make it to that night."

If the world had stopped turning, or if all the lights went out in the house, I wouldn't have noticed. The only thing I saw was white, white shock, rage, fear, denial, nothing looked tangible or even real at that second. I'm not even sure if I was breathing, everything just seemed to come to a halt.

Y/N..... is... gone.

Y/N is gone, and ... I had no idea. I went about my life, progressing my career, when y/n was suffering just to give me a chance. They're gone, and I wasn't there for them at all when they needed me most.

They're gone, and ... I can never see them ever again.

When my pants started sticking to my thighs, I was pulled from the white space of emotion I was sucked into for a moment. Truly, I have no idea who long I was there for, but judging by the sizable stain of tears on my pant legs, it was a good while.

Ruby had dried her tears, and was allowing me to let mine out. Though she gave me the opportunity, I didn't let any more escape now that I was aware again. Instead, I just let the deep pressure step on my throat so I could just release it later.

Seeing my change, Ruby sat up and tried to put herself in my line of vision.

"Christopher, dear. Are you still with me?" She sounded concerned by my reaction, and I would be too.

Part of me was trying to process the shock, part was trying to keep the walls up in front of the lady, and part of me was guilty for being able to put a wall up. Shouldn't I be crying off the walls, pulling my hair out, letting the pained sobs tear my throat apart? All the things I only allowed myself to do for a short period of time 4 years ago.

Then, I thought I wouldn't feel something as terrible as y/n leaving me for almost no reason every again. But now, now I would rather experience that pain a hundred times over instead of the feeling that I could just fall apart where I sit.

It took me a while to process what Ruby asked me, because there was so many thoughts, pleas, and cries ringing in my head.

"Yes, I'm here, ma'am." My eyes stay locked in the same spot. "I appreciate you asking me here, and telling me what happened, but I must be going before it gets dark."

I was speaking on auto pilot. The first thing on my mind was to get home so I don't have to subject this poor woman to the absolute storm I was holding back. I just hope she would let me go right this second, because I know I can't open my gates until I get home for my own safety.

She only stands and waits for me in response. Knowing what to do, I stand too and trail behind her to the front door.

At the door, she turns to me and grabs my hand in her own delicate ones.

"Christopher, I both know and can't imagine what you're feeling, so I understand why you must go, I do. But just know, this was out of your control." She says firmly, but soft enough for me to take easily.

"Believe me, I felt the same way, I thought of all the things I didn't do, what I should have done. But thinking of that will only drag you deeper into your head. Take it from an old woman who lost both of the truest loves in her life: think of what you did do, what really counted, and what you'll do next. Lingering in the past will keep you in the negatives for the rest of your life. And I know it will take a while to heal the wound in here," She puts her hand where my heart is beating slowly. "But remember progression isn't linear. There will be bumps and turns, but progress will come in the end."