CONFINEMENT

CHAPTER SEVEN

   Castania fell asleep that night replaying the kiss in her head. She was so disappointed in herself for giving in. Why had she done it? And why had he? She should have pushed him away or torn herself out of his grip when he had attempted to draw her in. There were so many things she should have done to avoid this, but she hadn't. Instead she had willingly leaned into his masculine frame and lost herself to his touches. Her body felt weird and out of place, like it wasn't hers anymore, like he had done something to it, tainted it maybe. She hated herself for being so stupid, but most of all she hated him. How could he make it her fault when he kissed her? The thought of his hands on her skin sent surges through her body one last time, and she dug her nails into the palm of her hands to make the feeling stop. The truth of the matter was, that she was extremely inexperienced in both matters of the heart and sexual adventures. And he knew that? She told him? Back home she sometimes envied the girls in her class, when they told stories of heartfelt love affairs and secret meetings after dark. She had looked forward to feeling that kind of love they had described her. She had searched for it in her friends once or twice, like Jasper and Hassler, but no matter how hard she tried she had never seen them as anything other than friends. By the time she turned 16 she had deemed herself unlovable, and at the time that was okay, but it wasn't okay now. She knew she had been purposely vague about the details of her ex-boyfriend, Forrest, so what Harrison didn't know was how out of place that whole relationship had been, lacking every form of love, and she knew that he had confused love with possession. And now the feeling of rejection hurt like hell and stabbed her chest, when she had finally leaned in and let loose after being so careful.

   She reminisced the day at the train station. A friend of Harrison, was it Hale? had said that she was the pretty one. Classic me, she thought, came here to be pretty. She never really had been at home, or maybe she had but she had been too dazed by the anemia to even notice. Plus, her hatred for the Center and the Council had scared others at times, told her she had too much rage, called her a vigilante.

   She wondered if Harrison found her pretty... He must have! Why would he have kissed her then? But did she actually want him to find her pretty? Everything was just so bloody confusing, and her head was filled with obscurity.

   She sighed with defeat and accepted that she would probably never know how she really felt about anything. It's just the confinement clouding my thoughts, she reassured herself, and fell asleep.

   Not one word was exchanged on their way to the zoo the next morning. Castania was sat in the backseat as usual, her forehead against the window and she watched as she fogged up her window with every breath and every sigh. Harrisons eyes were locked in the rearview mirror where he could keep an eye on her. A tiny bit of him wished she would look up so he could catch a glimpse of her eyes, but then again, did he really want to?

   He had avoided both her and her gaze the whole morning, which had been easy enough considering he was convinced that she was avoiding him as well. He had nothing to say to her. Hated her actually. For tricking him into kissing her, like it wasn't totally inappropriate. She had crept under his skin and messed with his head, made him do things the Hawthorne's were well above. What would people not say if they found out? His friends would no doubt think he had gone mad and attempt to drop him off in some mental institution. Which, looking back at it, would probably be a wise thing to do. His parents would turn in their graves, his grandfather would disown him, the Academy would take her away and cut off her breasts for indulging in such activities, then portray him as some loser for losing a Saving in such a dumb way... And there it was again, the tingle in his lower stomach activated by the thought of her breasts. Yep, he thought, definitely on my way to insanity.