oh noes

Journal 4

it hurts

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I’m scared.

I’m scared of not being good enough.

I’ll try harder from now on - I’ll work myself to the bone.

Just for him.

Just for him.

Just for him.

I’ll do everything and anything.

I’m a slave. He’s my master. I’m nothing but a worm…a disgusting, pathetic, shit-eating worm. I don’t deserve anything…he’s been good enough to let me do anything. He should just kill me where I stand.

I’m wasting air.

I’m wasting money.

I’m wasting food.

And if I waste so much stuff without ever giving back nearly as much as a fraction of what I take.…that’s not right, is it?

I deserve to have all these injuries.

It has to be right, no? Otherwise…no one would be saying these things to me.

They have to be right. I’m just a stupid slave who doesn’t know better.

…I just wanted them to be happy. But I guess…in order for that to happen…

…I’ll have to be sad.

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No more dreams.

They’re gone.

They’ve all been replaced with the memories I got from that man.

…at least Master looks happier when he sees me. Even if I’m torn down…lost and miserable…at least HE’S happy. That’s all my purpose in life is, anyway.

Journey, do you like it better this way?

If you were an actual human being…I bet you’d say yes.

You’re not though. You’re just a stupid little book filled with stupid little things, and you’re owned by a stupid little brat who’s too stupid to live.

That’s how the world works.

I wish I’d never thought of you as anything other than some object.

They know…they all know. I can tell. Behind me. Laughing, mocking, talking. It’s true, even if nothing else is. I know better than to think otherwise.

I want to stay here. In this prison.

I want to rot away. I don’t want to ever see anyone again. I don’t want to eat, drink, sleep, breathe…take these clothes off me and sell them. I don’t want them anymore. I should take off this mask…whatever’s coming, I ought to have that.

No one turns an eye to us, and we don’t look up at them. Because we don’t deserve to.

What did I do wrong, though? Was it when I let Mother shove me into that barrel and save me from those pirates?

Oh, before that. Was it when I got sick?